i realised something really different abt myself compared to my previous self. I don't know if this is what they called it as a depression or mental illness.. but it seems lately i've changed totally.. Yes, called me a a stuck up bitch but i ain't keen to answer phone calls, even it keeps ringing repeatedly. Well, i tend to be really MEAN if someone press on my luck, and i started to filter all my friends. Those PARASITE friends, i would really love if they keep a distance from me rather than me, the one to detach them in an impolite manner. Yes, i can be real 'mean' too if i need to be one :) so don't try me!! I have few friends trying to introduce some GUY next door to me, when i told them i've just broken off with my bf. Okie, these chaps seems nice but that doesn't mean we could hook up after a hangout or two. Sometimes, they just don't know who i am inside ( not even myself).. but i'm a dog that bites.. so OUCH!!!

Many people might think i'm real stuck up... and actsy, and the list goes on, but they doesn't know besides my darker side, i do have an angelic , or saint side of mine. But that only to my 'real friends' , definately not some friends who constantly took me for granted. For goodness sake, i aint bragging here but i've countless of friends in my life ( include acquintances) but the real and truthful friends, only left a few.. not more than 6heads i  guess.. but could i care less? i don't know. At this point of my life. I try to be strong especially when i don't have any special 'someone' to protect me, cuddle me or offer me the moral support.. but hey!! i'm still struggling to find my other soulmate. However, despite i've already found one few months ago, i just let it slipped through my hand. I never really uphold the romance. Perhaps, i did felt that was the guy's responsibility. But depending on guys/male would mean the relationship is getting no where because they are a naturally-egoistic person.. So, im all alone again.

Fuck up life.. im getting another life. Move on~! cos ying rocks.. i love you .. to all my friends who have been there..

i realised something really different abt myself compared to my previous self. I don't know if this is what they called it as a depression or mental illness.. but it seems lately i've changed totally.. Yes, called me a a stuck up bitch but i ain't keen to answer phone calls, even it keeps ringing repeatedly. Well, i tend to be really MEAN if someone press on my luck, and i started to filter all my friends. Those PARASITE friends, i would really love if they keep a distance from me rather than me, the one to detach them in an impolite manner. Yes, i can be real 'mean' too if i need to be one :) so don't try me!! I have few friends trying to introduce some GUY next door to me, when i told them i've just broken off with my bf. Okie, these chaps seems nice but that doesn't mean we could hook up after a hangout or two. Sometimes, they just don't know who i am inside ( not even myself).. but i'm a dog that bites.. so OUCH!!!

Many people might think i'm real stuck up... and actsy, and the list goes on, but they doesn't know besides my darker side, i do have an angelic , or saint side of mine. But that only to my 'real friends' , definately not some friends who constantly took me for granted. For goodness sake, i aint bragging here but i've countless of friends in my life ( include acquintances) but the real and truthful friends, only left a few.. not more than 6heads i  guess.. but could i care less? i don't know. At this point of my life. I try to be strong especially when i don't have any special 'someone' to protect me, cuddle me or offer me the moral support.. but hey!! i'm still struggling to find my other soulmate. However, despite i've already found one few months ago, i just let it slipped through my hand. I never really uphold the romance. Perhaps, i did felt that was the guy's responsibility. But depending on guys/male would mean the relationship is getting no where because they are a naturally-egoistic person.. So, im all alone again.

Fuck up life.. im getting another life. Move on~! cos ying rocks.. i love you .. to all my friends who have been there..

Subject: love survey
Message:
1)Do you have a first love?
huh????  do i?

2)Are you still with your first love?
huh?? i'm 'keen'er on the last love.. :p

3)Do you believe in the phrase: First love
never dies?
Yes, it never dies but it lasts~!

4)Do you miss your first love?
bygones need to be bygones.. why cry over spilled milk?? or even miss one??

5)Do you think your first love misses you?
ask whoever who's my first love!!

Other QUESTIONS..
1)How long does it take for you to move on
after a break-up?
months and years~! definately not a second~

2)Did you change a lot after you and your first
i don't change myself but IMPROVE myself.. i guess  =P

3)Do you think love is blind?
then, how come they come out with such phrase?

4)Do you believe in soul mates?
i do!

5)Have you met your soul mate?
still struggling =P 

6) Ideal mate or soul mate?
what d heck is this????

7)Do you have any regrets from your past
relationships?
no pain no gain.. need not regret on things which had happened! Just MOVE ON!!

8)What if you and your gf/bf broke up because
he/she had a third party, would you go back
with him/her?
Never!! next life perhaps! ....

9)What if you and your gf/bf broke up because
YOU were the one who had a third party, but
then you realize that you still love your ex,
would you go back together ?
Strictly no U-turn i guess~

10)What if you're already in a relationship but
then you realized that you met someone that
you think is more special than your present
bf/gf, what will you do ?
no  way, love is not finding someone perfect but an imperfect person to LOVE.. and being loved!

11)Would you choose someone you love but
that person doesn't love you back, or would
you choose someone who loves you but you
don't love them back?
i rather be an ANDARTU if these are the only options..

the current song which best describe my feeling now... 

Ain't no headlights on the road tonight
Everybody here is sleeping tight
Ain't nobody gonna find us here, we'll disappear
There's a dancer in the arms of love
And he's dancing on the sky above
And the truth is that we'll never know, where love will flow

Aim high, shoot low (you gotta aim high and shoot low baby)

Chorus:
Ain't no headlights on the road tonight
Ain't nobody here to make you cry
'Cause we couldn't seem to find a way for love to stay
If you had another night to give
I would have another night to live
But you never gonna see me cry the last goodbye

Is it cloudy where you are tonight
Are the neon lights shining bright
Are you looking for a place to stay, to get away
And the days are horses down the hill
Running fast with no time to kill
And the truth is that we'll never know, where love will flow

Aim high, shoot low (you gotta aim high and shoot low baby)

Chorus:
Ain't no headlights on the road tonight
Ain't nobody here to make you cry
'Cause we couldn't seem to find a way for love to stay
If you had another night to give
I would have another night to live
But you never gonna see me cry the last goodbye(last goodbye)

If I could do it over, I'll do it all again (over again)
And if I got one more chance, I wouldn't change a thing

Aim high, shoot low (aim high, shoot low)

Chorus x2
Ain't no headlights on the road tonight (road tonight)
Ain't nobody here to make you cry(make you cry, oooh)
'Cause we couldn't seem to find a way for love to stay (love)
If you had another night to give
I would have another night to live (night to live)
But you never gonna see me cry the last goodbye 

Ain't no headlights on the road tonight
Ain't nobody here to make you cry(make you cry)
'Cause we couldn't seem (ooh) to find a way for love to stay (stay)(ooh)
If you had another night to give (give)
I would have another night to live (night to live)
But you never gonna see me cry the last goodbye...

well,  today, i attempt to read back those history (icq) between me and him. I could sense the diference, in the sense of talking and chatting, before the courtship, both of us like buddies, during the courtship, we flirt and behave so differently meanwhile after the courtship, we talk as if we are rival of the century. Funny isn't it? but that's what i could analyze through the log. Seriously, in these 2 years, both of us changed a lot, me : especially, from a innocent young lady i turn into a heart breaker, a woman with full of passion and a woman with love-hate relationship with some nice chaps around. If you ask me, whether i still love him. I must say YES, but will this LOVE last forever?  Frank ly, i can't answer you!  I have doubts on it. Perhaps, when things started to drift and set apart, we took no  initiative to mend the wound, but we watched how this wound got severe. Sometimes, i did ask myself, why could i love such a guy. A MR. Wrong in a Mr Right mask. But obviously, i never regret knowing him or sparing him another chance, eversince the 'shit' happened two years back. Infact, i know God is generous enough to allow us to have the second chance to patch things up.. but we ( both of us) make no effort to retain this relationship. Perhaps, we are one of the kind which has high egoism, WE EXPECT our partner to contribute and striving whereas we'll be the receiving parties. So, none of us willingly to do the sacrifices.. that's why our relationship is at a stake.

well,  pretty much a homely person today.. Perhaps this is one of the sign of aging. I don't like to go out as often as i used to be. :). Aint this a good sign (to my mother)? Well, I supposed it has been quite sometime since i last update my blog.  Unlike those days, whereby i keep updating my blog as if my daily journal. But as i started to work, i'm having insufficient time to update or simply type down few lines in here. Laziness is another contributing factor too. 

Why on earth i'm being a loser? i dont know! At age 21, i watch my relationship at a stake, yet i never save the best for the last, I witnessed my relationship jeopardized few weeks back. You must be thinking, "what the fucking thing i'm doing?" " Aren't you supposed to sustain the relationship?".. but hey! come on, this is not merely my responsibility, this is a TWO-way relationship.  If he, never intended to upkeep the relationship, i see no point we're wasting each other's time. We have TOTALLY no commitment and faith on each other. Again and again, we are back to the square. I love him but at the same time, i hate him even greater. I know that the problem was not caused by one party but two. I must admit that i should take the blame too. By not being a 100% good girl friend, nor obedient one! So, i couldn't just come up to him and pointing finger at him, saying he should bear the fault. Hence, we never had any major arguements, or conflicts.. sounds sweet right? but the problem is much more severe than i anticipated. A couple who never argued won't progress any further in a Boy Girl relationship (BGR). I mean arguements, once in a while would foster the relationship, BUT obviously, not too many of UNHEALTHY DOGS and CATS fight.

The other day, i went to a fortune teller,okie. I was provoked by my colleague.. so i just make fun out of it. After all prediction NOT neccessarily accurate. I believe our destiny should be controlled by ourselves, not  letting our destiny to overtake our life. There is a saying :
YOU're the king of your destiny..

 What the fortune teller said abt me and 'him'. Well let's see.. i was told that, the compatibility of us both are 50/50.. but the problems arised from my side because the guy i might be looking must at least 7years senior, or divorcee, or someone which is really really stubborn by nature. I don't  know but i must agree that i like matured thinking guys, stable and reliable. Of course it would be better if he is financial independence. Hence, none of this criteria match the current guy i'm seeing. But could i give a damn or shitz abt this? i couldn't be bothered actually, but somehow i must say, i truly love him..perhaps, his selling point is " he look a bit like my father". That's why i have special fondness towards him compared to other chaps. I was told that, if i wanted to be this bloke's gf, i would have to be more patient and tolerance , as he can be a ruthless person and stubborn. That's why i need to have the patience, otherwise it would not be a peaceful relationship.

Cut those craps, but i aint too believe in such things, perhaps i can use it as a benchmark or guidance. I'm really exhausted these days. I have no time to think about my relationship despite i can sense the presence of the problems and fault. I guess i should spare more time to him and myself. If we were meant to be, nothing gonna separate us but if, we have no fate on each others, then, we shouldnt be wasting each other's time. Live gotta goes on. and let bygones be bygones.