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| YOU shouldn't have come back~ |
| 02.25.04 (6:49 am) [edit] |
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SERIOUSLY i dont feel well.. i really really dont feel well.. forgive me. i dont feel like blurting it out here~! yes, you shouldnt have come back when you choose to move on~
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| Another ''Lazy'' day |
| 02.21.04 (3:50 am) [edit] |
Uhmm.. well nothing much for today, even i told myself that today im gonna complete my chapter 4 & 5 .. yet my laziness struck. I must admit i'm a lazybone :D.. My mom kept saying that who got me as his wife is a 'misfortunate' because i can eat a lot and sleepZzz alot.. watchout guys~ better think twice before you decided to 'tie' me down :P
well, i dunno why but suddenly i just have the urge to write my blog.. well perhaps, i've just listened to the song BLUE EYES BLUE.. and my feeling just fluctuate..
emotionally and mentally instable yet im trying to assure myself that everything is over~ But still, the feeling haunts me everynow and then.. i guess i have phobia towards 'love' , i have no bloody guts to fall in love , neither fall out of love.. seriously, i'm exhausted~ maybe i'm too old to lose..
anyway, im stronger than ever *besides LOVE stuffs*..
I guess i will try my very best to obtain a first class honors because that is my current goal.. if i failed to achieve that, i wouldnt know how to face my parents,family love one and FUTURE EMPLOYER... well wish me luck then~
well, too many things that came across my mind but i just can blurt things out.. perhaps i hate typing. I can speak and express better in-person.. well who cares? that's still me and myself and ying..
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| Q & A |
| 02.20.04 (11:12 pm) [edit] |
Received an email frm my friend, asking me to answer some questions, which i really facing some hard time to answer it back then BUT it struck my mind. of answering it for myself.. :) .. haha.. this gonna be fun..Here is how it looks like:
1) My name: K.Y-Loh .. Most of my friends know my full name I guess. If they don’t I guess they aren’t my friend.. J
2) How well do you know me (a lot, not so much, nothing)?: well, I guess none of my friends really understand me 100% , partially is what I can say because I tend to be secretive at times.. Therefore, I appreciate those of my friends, who did not invade my privacy and personal stuffs.
3) Do I smoke?: I’m eager to smoke but well, I still haven’t got the chance to smoke due to the reason : I hate that smell. I wouldn’t want my future bf or husband to smoke either because; it makes no difference with kissing an ashtray.
4) Whats my favourite colour?: oh.. in my entire life, I love purple but slowly I fall for more colours.. I love black when I’m in the elegant and classic mood, I love blue when I’m in my casual good mood and I love pink when I’m into this so called cute and innocent mode,and I love gold/silver when I’m in the daring and seductive mood.. it’s all depends on mood.. ain’t that obvious enough?
5) When you first saw me what was your first impression? When I first saw my friend, well, I don’t have any particular good or bad impression but obviously I’m in the not-so –friendly person during the first-time meeting because I tend to be choosy in friends. Those who are only meant to be a loser, joker, nosy, irritating, intimidating, cocky, snobbish could possibly in my blacklist..
6) My age?: from the way I speak, what do you think? Obviously I’m a young women now, age 21 J
7) 10. My birthday?: you should take the effort to find it out if you think I deserve gifts from you yearly.. right?
8) Color Hair?: I’m a Chinese girl. TYPICAL one.. but well I dyed my hair several of times, so I guess my hair colour consists of cooper, light brown, black blue, purple, blonde, devilish red… and on top of it ,my original black colour to blend with those colours. So I guess I look great.. if it wasn’t a bad hair day~
9) Color eyes?: okie. Hazel brown..
10) Have you ever had a crush on me? I don’t know about you people but I had some crush (es) back then few times. Well just let bygones be bygones. Crush will just remain as a crush..not to say that I’ll be marrying them~
11) Whats one of my fav things to do indoors?: Sleeping, reading magazines and Online I guess . What’s more?
12) Whats one of my fav things to do outdoors?: err, bored people like me don’t like clubbing but studying (due to my obligation) and shopping and shopping… Shopperholic. I do enjoy hanging out with some of my close friends at the Coffee house because I’m also a coffeeholic.
13) Am I shy or outgoing? Either, depends !!
14) Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?: Except for school, college, and government rules, I BREAK all rules and enjoy of being rebellious person + stubborn. I have my own style in dealing with my personal and stuffs. So don’t try to teach me the DO’s and DON’T’s because I’ll never be thankful or appreciate it ~
15) Would you call me preppy, slutty, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, snobby, or something else?: .. well, lemme point out myself I can be hippie, glam, snobby, slutty, bitchy, kind, innocent, intimidating, too.. hmm, well, this is a very subjective questions.
16) Have you ever seen me cry?: Oh, I cry easily when I face difficulties or hardships but I’ll never or hardly cry even when I’m touched, sorrow or my best friends depart in the airport. Just the tears couldn’t fall so easily~ UNLESS I’m understress. CRY is just a method to relieve my tension and it’s good for health.
17) Are my parents still together?: No and DON’T ask. Just accept the fact that they are not together anymore okie?
18) Do you love me?: I guess every of my friend loves me but just the matter of HOW MUCH do they love you? Just like how I love them~ But, obviously I love my parents, myself and my close buddies even more !! I can’t deny that~
19) Quiet or loud? YES, I’m a loud speaker.
20) . Short or Tall: I’m short and fat.. okie? *I’ll only say that once*
21) Smart or stupid? BBB .. not big busted bimbo but brain ,beauty ,and body.. fat one!
22) Boring or Fun? FUN and a lil of boring because I’m not perfect.
23) Attractive or Unattractive? Beauty is in the eye of beholder.
24) What do you think Ill be when I grow up? Housewife?? Can I be one of those rich Datin? Everyday shopping and travelling non-stop? Haha~
25) Do you think Ill get married? Obviously. What makes you think I won’t Perhaps late marriage, if Mr. Bill Gates Junior hasn’t proposed to me still~
26) If you do Who do you think Ill marry? My husband ..doink~!
27) Who is my best friend? Felicia, Lilian, MiMi, Cindy, Wenice, May,Emily, Mui, MengMeng, …….
28) What song(if any)reminds you of me? Through The rain.. –Mariah Carey-
29) A feature that you like about me : smile J .. I laugh like a donkey.. and they said is pretty ‘cute’.
30) If you could give me anything, what would it be? I wish that could be $$$$$$$$$$$$$ … lack of cash nowadays. Going to be unemployed soon L
31) If you could describe me in one word, what would it be? Chubby chic. Opsssss that’s 2words
32) What word do I say all the time? Sorry people.. excuse me please. BUT frankly, the word I say all the time is HAMKALING (HKL)… lol.. you guys know that right?
33) Is there anything youd like to say to me? I know.. QUIT that habit YING.. you’ve become so-used to those HKL words.. am I right? Okie, I’ll try but no promise k?
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| just an ordinary day |
| 02.19.04 (4:31 am) [edit] |
bladeeeeeee PC which caused my group presentation to be postponed to the following day, which is tomorrow. Well, okie, infact im not prepared for the presentation either but i still hope i can present today because at least i can clear up my extra burdens... seriously, im tired+moody+fatigue+busy lately..i guess this is the symptom of underpressured... i'd even rather giving up the chance to watch the MARIAH CAREY's concert with my friend. SIMPLY because i'm busy.. I know that the concert just gonna take me couple of hours, which could be equivalent to my online hours perday.. but hell! i just dont feel like going out... especially with someone which i hardly wanted to associate personally..
Umm, yeah, well, speaking on more personal thingy of mine. I guess i fall out again, i dont know whether this is intentionally or unintentionally but seriously, i felt that i dont have much choices~! i think i face a very very big, serious, and severe problem here.. :shock: .. which i didnt really realised until today. I guess, i'm the kind of girl who likes being 'IN-LOVE'.. I just couldnt explain the true feeling of mine but, when i'm head over heel, i feel the sense of happiness, I'm happy and seriously happy BUT wait a minute, the next thing i know is : the antonym of 'happy' is 'sad' .. again, i fear that i might not possess such kind of happiness and he will only love me in a bliss.. THAT'S why i depressly walk off from the relationship everytime it started to blossom~!!! yup~ when i realised i'm overdosed with the LOVE.. i tend to force myself to another phase which i never like to be one.. I WITHDRAW and FORFEIT.. i dont know what's the reasons behind? i never thought of it even but when i seemed to be on top of the world, i'm afraid things wouldnt last forever, that's why i'm always at the pessimistic side, just to ensure that i dont fall down too HARD.. yes,i've fell for couple of times and i have such kind of phobia.. i guess 'they' do mad at me seeing, my unenthusiastic self... Yes, reluctantly, i have to admit, im kiasu and loser...*unlike someone*.. therefore, i'm doing whatever so of stuffs just to make sure that i'm protected esp. emotionally.. Even though i look like a 'warrior' but i guess i'm the real 'coward' inside me..
He never seemed to understand my situation, i guess. As many potential candidates as i migth be having at hand now, I'M NOT a bit happy.. what's the point???? I've never thought of them every now and then. Not to say im cold blooded but my heart could only fit 'one' heart. i dont go around and tell these people how much i miss them, and going out with them for couple of movies and yumchar.. but hell, i dont think *he* seemed to understand me, which can lead to some dissapoitment at times, but seriously, i cant expect much from him....i truly understand how he feels and i feel sorry for what he is undergoing now... i, myself do wish to utter the 3 magic words.. but i just couldn't.. perhaps, my past experience had taught me to being extra cautious and never let things come easy for others~ ...... Hell~ im stuck between myself.. part of me laugh and part of me cry .......BUT he will never really knows it.. seriously!! and i guess i wont intend to hurt him anymore... perhaps i should try to do some irritating and annoying stuffs in order to piss him off and loss his interest in me.. i know that would be cruel and unfair but... i just dont see that he suffers alone there, indeed, my very ownself suffered too~ and to whom i can confide?? i'll just let God to guide me...and decide for me!! ...
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| GoodBye my friend!! |
| 02.18.04 (1:21 am) [edit] |
well, good bye to my dearest friend :Sze Yee. She left for good. Well, reason is the could not cope with the tense and pressure of the dissertation ( i'm doing it currently) .. i have to admit that this is a STRESSFUL task because not easy to complete everything despite we were given 8 months time to finish it :cry: but still i make a vow to make it thourgh.. I will SURVIVE in the name of 1st class honors degree.. ops.. i mean 2nd upper.. umm 1st class.. i hope..
whatever, sze yee made the right choice of herself by deferring her final year, equivalent to 2 semesters. So at the mean time she might seek for job at taiping. obviously 3 of us (may,em and I) wish her the best in her worklife. Another good news that we feel happy for her is that her 4 year bf proposed to her. Now is just her decision either to say i DO or i DONT.. haha :P but i guess she might being someone MRS. shortly.. UM.. well i didnt implied anything here k? :roll: sorry, dear!! * i understand this is strictly P&C* but merely to share with my supportive blog-readers :D ...
Before she left us for her own path, we managed to take some sticker photo and had fun together. She even came to my house and stayed. i could recalled her silly face while she broke into tears and cried. She was touched with my words. She never thought that she is such an influential person in my life, that her absence is non-concern to me. I told her i was so pissed that she left me without a msg. But her reason is reasonable and valid enough: SHE IS AFRAID that I MIGHT SCOLD her for goodness sake. BUT i assure her that if that's her final decision, despite i wont even support but i will still RESPECT her. But i frankly told her that "im gonna miss her after the 3years we've been together. The moment we laughed and cried together, UPs and DOWNs, we've encountered together. I really cherish this friendship every now and then, but she never knows that until i told her last night, which led her to her tears and sob outbreak... SERIOUSLY, although i have to admit i have countless of good friends or so called chimuiz but she will always remain someone which deserve a special position in my heart, mind, and memories. :wink:
I didnt cried nor sob.. never a tear but i 'd just cried because my friend betrayed me. i shouldnt have tell or intervene others people personal thingy. Seriously, I've experienced once, BETRAYED by someone which i really trusted on yet what did i get? i was bad mouthed by some jerks because i remind some betrayers' to be cautious and alert~! FUCK those biatch who never seemed to keep the promises which they've granted me. I'm serious and severely frustrated with those people who never intend to keep their words and assurance.. but at the end of the day, there is no one to be blame other than my stupid-idiot-fucking-ange l self.. Well, chances are, U do others a favour but they might not being thankful to you, INSTEAD, they might thought you are definately under the friendship obligation to tell..~!@^*()_.. damn farking stupid retarded me.. i couldnt pointed finger to anyone because,I'm the one who ask for this?? COULD i really blame on others? Besides khuen= my loyal driver=classmate, i guess no one knows that it's not easy being someone who is kind, helpful, righteous,honest... :P *exaggerating* but i guess he is the one who know the REAL ying. In fact, it is never too hard to being MISS nice, but it is definately hard and difficult and tough when being MISS YING...ok, if doraemon is here,life will be easier. GUESS he'll transform me to MISS-not-YING.. or can i request to become a MR instead of MISS........arghhhhhhhhhhh imagination is better during the bedtime.
P/s : sze yee. Thanks for being there.. seriously, if u were a guy. I'm really head over heel for you~ *joking*.. Can gonna whack me upon reading this but will be very UNLIKELY unless you let him know. WHICH is really UNLIKELY too ...haha :) Anything, remember to call us k , though we are miles apart but it will never change our friendship NOW AND FOREVER~
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| ying re-alive |
| 02.15.04 (7:58 am) [edit] |
well. i guess it has been quite sometime since i updated my blog.. as busy as i might be . i wont even fail to update my blog UNLESS for some unforeseen circumstances like :) er... er.. server down. cant login.. or some prob due to internet connection...
:) well just can be bothered.. so just attempt to online whenever possible :) ..so i guess im lucky today as i manage to login here :)
well just came back from a dinner.. a hearty dinner perhaps :) ... well, the things which really annoy and bother+irritate me is.. well im gaining weight and ... i guess i look like a baby elephant.. it makes u feel so low self esteem,confidence and inferior.. even though lots of my male friends assure me i look in the best form now. Well flattery will get me nowhere. i know that they are trying to comfort me and ease me but i seriously need to shed few kilos away just to make sure i'm back into the figure i used to possess :) ...
Valentine day.. well. im not swept away by any Valentino yet although im seeing a great guy :) well, he seems nice.. :) awesome which i guess , in a way he is a hot-cake :).. if he ever lost frm my sight. i guess many girls might stick or self-offered to him.. especially in places like disco or any parties, where guys meet girls, girls meet guys.. arggggggh.. but well, i always believe love is not a will to possess.. i might love him or might not... yes.....errr.....nope.. but well, i never considered of possessing or develop into a higher or next stage :) i still prefer in my STU status. ( well STU means Single but technically Unavailable).. err.. i guess i've got my reasons behind. whether is for his sake or my own good sake. or heaven sake.. ALL i need now is sometime.. i really need more time.. and i dont feel like getting or involve in any love affair or whatever so. :) that's why im trying to reduce my social activities hoping to cut down my chances of meeting some perfect candidates.. :) im not too keen now.. perhaps 2 years down the road i might re-consider it :)..so trust me when i say lOVE is not a will to possess someone..
well, few days back. i was kinda up and down.. mixed and miserable.. perhaps im understress and over-party .. which led me to such condition but well, currently im reading a book which i dont intend to reveal the title. but guess this is a really nice fine book :) .. shall attempt to finish reading it by JUNE.. because i'm sort of lazy. i could only finish half of the books.(everytime) ..since this book cost me abt rm50 which is somewhat expensive to me :) *because i dont spend much on books, UNLESS textbook*
hmmmmmm .. well. somehow i must really buck up and work hard for my final exam which is 2 mths down the road. quite worried and excited.. hope to graduate in first class or at least second upper.. well, dont know. but hope to do well at least not to let my parents down.. so. lets pray hard.. for the final countdown.. after that, im gonna HOLIDAY somewhere else while waiting for my result .. shall consider to visit hongkong. d shoppin destination :) but somehow... we shall see if the cash allows :) adios for now...tired and my brain just blank............
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| here i'am |
| 02.10.04 (8:44 am) [edit] |
ok .. well it has been quite sometime since i last updated my blog.. well parties. celebration, friends, family, and assignments took most of my time.. yeah late nites, sleepless nites and insomnia..as bad as it might sound, i guess it does help in losing exessive fats and weights..
taken cheese rice today at KIMgary.. must thanks racheal for her treat :)... belated birthday celebration. Well, nothing much for today. Didnt attempt to go shopping too because im soooooooo damn.....fu*king tired. yes, i didnt sleep since last night. Been struggled for the Small Business report.. and completed everything at3am. but due to my burning and flaming enthusiasm, i took my initiative to complete others assignment which need to be due on next week.. :) wow~ couldnt imagine, indeed im so damn effective and efficient compared to previous semesters...
received a VALENTINE card from a friend of mine. well cute one and :) well, apart from the hand writing, i guess, i'm happy with everyttttttttthingggggggg ...
heheh.. well, i didnt know that i've got dimples.. though i insist that is a FAT...like the cellulite.. not dimples.. :) and i didnt know that my voice is cute? ... lol.. :wink: ..OHmYgaWd~ i'm blushing.. but as flattered as i am now.. seriously, i guess i feel bad on the other hand.....
fuc* it.. im not prepared for everything. I know that he will take well care of me, shower me with his love, attention and affection..but still... im hesitant.. im scared, worried and feel so insecure about myself.. even before we started to become an item, we do argue for the silliest mistakes he encountered.. yep, im bossy, dominant, and stubborn like he does .. sometimes i feel like im just like a lost-bird which flown away~
I DONT know. a guidance is needed perhaps but im happy with my single but technically UNAVAILABLE status, which allow me to go clubbing, studying, shopping with no barriers and boundaries.. sigh. does attaching means i gotta put off everything i've adopted..
Im already used to it.. life alone~ since Mr K left my life one year++ ago, i guess, i've learn to be strong, to be along, to be brave and to be...emotionLESS...
that will mean, i'm FEELING less.. i hardly show my feelings.. either love or hate.. :) i'll just bury the feelings deep down in my heart so no ONE will knows what is playing on my mind.. I'm inpredictable and temperamental.. I can be hot and warm but cold and cruel at the very next second..
DO i sound real scary for that? .. i dont know but, really dont intend to hurt anyone nor being hurted too.. perhaps, time is ALL i need to adopt to a total new environement.. say me weird, or freak.. but the guts in me GONE in the name of LOVE...
no body wants to be lonely.. true~ but loneliness is already my friend. So i guess it wont be a major issue to me because yeah.. as i said. IM COLD blooded reptile..
well, i guess im not going to do anything. Just let fate decide.. and let love leads the way.....
NOW........all i need is DAVE koz's song which title CHENG FU.. really soothing and relaxing song. I wonder how d heck people like him never bump into my life? hehe..k... nite for now.
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| h@ppy birthday to y|ng |
| 02.02.04 (10:08 am) [edit] |
happy birthday to me myself and ying :) heheh.. well YAY? im older and not i have the 'key' to freedom.. actually 20 and 21 makes no distinct difference to me EXCEPT ehemmmmmmmmm... bigger, luxurious and pricey gifts by all my friends, families and close one...
well, i feel so deeply guilty...... I see no reason to reject those temptation :) haha..it's my 21st birthday gifts and declining one might mean i'm not sporting enough :) i've been rejecting gifts from my friends couple of years back and it really mess and pissed em' off because the put in efforts,time and money to buy me those gifts or presents.....
well ok lets forget abt those gifts..im more interested in myself. been receiving lots of phone call at 12am and SMS... too..those who made their attempt to advance my birthday greeting and for those who purposely awake or wait till midnight just to call me up and greet me...billionsssss and trillionsssssss of thank u !
Despite of those kawaii look..... yep. with my so called TAU KEI look.. i spent blodddddddy rm93 just for that LOOK and it didnt earn me any credit so far......
tomorrow having a presentation, i really hope i wont give my classmates a huge fright with my new rudget hair style :) esp during my 21st birthday. I expect everyone to compliment me... if anyone who read this... please tell all the classmates..... give me a birthday LIEs.. can you guys do that?
reason i cut my hair probably because i think i look damn oldddddddd now, i need a younger energetic and lively look.. thats why my RM 93, i really dont know it's for better or for worst........
eh i realised most of my frenz DAMN loaded..how come i never discovered it earlier.. i might just con their money by being their gf.. hahaha.. well , serious shitz... i'm really touch with their thought.. FORGET abt those gifts but if they are willing to spend few hundreds bucks..... it already proven my importance as their friend BUT obviously im not measuring our friendship with the value of money but even if they spare me nothing..... sincere verbal greetings will be warmth enough..Im really touched..
well 21 year girl MEANS....... im a young lady now... cool. i can visit UNCLE LIM's casino.. :) heheh.. and VOTE of course..... :) i just love me,myself and ying
Muaks.....
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| x-kiewssssssss me~! NO pda, please..... |
| 02.01.04 (9:11 am) [edit] |
well ... i suppose to snore on my bedzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
but i just couldnt.. perhaps i took a nescafe ice at the mamak.. insomnia hits. congrat miss ying... but seriously.. i hate this feeling..
How do i feel now?
mixture of happy and sad.. worry and excited..
will step into 21st year old yet i take things sooooooo easily.. and oh~ im so much the very single? Blarrrrrrdeeeeeee me.. as enjoyable as i tend to be a single.. i hate it as well.... my friends at my age already found their partner...... and ummmmm PUBLIC display affection..... well i just hate PubDisAff.. PDA... say im green eyed monster but seriously, im lonely at times... friends and family occupy me most of the time...... yet..... beneath it all.. i still MISSING something part of my life.. okie, hate it..... hate it jut hate it...
im not desperate or what but merely thought of myself.. how failure i can be ..... by not having any GUYSssssss in my life... it seems everyone have one but im still proudly being in my singlehood.. okie.. to be honest. not that i dont have any potential candidate but....................
i wanna something like electrical attraction...sparklessssss...... those stuffs...haha.. i guess it wont happen anymore since form4.. whereby i had a hugeeeeeee crush with this cute guy at my working place.. yeahhhhhh love at 1st sight, but despite it all, somehow i do believe he felt the same way. But our egoism refrained us from getting know each other. He might be shy, or proud that , he think girl should approach him when wanted to be friend with him and my ego-self said that everything should be initiated from GUYS/MALES/BOYS........ never girl.....
so end up... that's all folk of the stories, we only exchange eye contact but never NAME or hp number. Whatever, it is... this is 5years ago......
Now i feel sooooooooooooo bloody bitchy old faggot.. could i still attract or get attracted so easily???... haha.. i wonder.. as much as i fear of falling in love. i fear of FAILING in love too.. people told me.. live and learn BUT what d heck? not everyone could bear those consequences.....ishhhhhhhhhhhh
again i crapz too much here...... damn, when you love a person you couldnt even give one good reason but when you hate one person , you could have 1001reasons...
is just like me now. WHEN im pissed off.. i could give 1002reasons.. to justify all my arguements.. damn, i wonder what are the chances i stand of being a good lawyer......ruthless one i mean.......
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| happy birthday to myself...SOON |
| 02.01.04 (8:21 am) [edit] |
well damn sick today.. and lazy.. wonder what makes me so damn lazy... yea i guess hormone imbalance, i get really really exhausted and sleepy today YET managed to watch 2 vcd ( magic kitchen and Golden chicken2) .. good shows but at the end of the day, what do i get.. yeah loads of assignment UNDONE?
well, went out yumcha and talk to my counsellor.. as usual, he does his best in consoling me.. yet it works only for A BIT.. but well, have a new hair style.. yeah japanese girl wannabe. fringeeeeeeeeeeee. :) at times i think i really look cute but at times i think i look like an idiot or bimbo.. guess my LIN sis might not like it BUT i couldnt be bother.. for god sake im 21 year old and i'm undergoing aging process, obviously i need to look cute in order to preserve my youthfulness.. sob sob but still I'm old in heart:( sigh.. i have no enthusiasm in anything these days unless eat and sleep....
aint i suppose to be happy then? well i guess my academic performance is at a stake if i persist with my laziness...fuck it.. really hate myself.. sometimes, i really dont know how am i suppose to please myself :( damnnnnnnn blardeeeeeeeee me... despite of all sort of lazines i still can online and update my blog right here... Shitzzzzzzzz......
damnzzzzzzzz...
sleep nowz...... and dont ever remind me of today.......
somehow i have a really bad thought but i hope it will fade soon.. hope is a fake thought...........
darn......cioa
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