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| 04.16.04 (10:03 am) [edit] |
well today worked along with mom, supposed to be Myanmar New year party where they splash water on everyone's body. Reach there around 10.30am but only could see the stage and some food stalls. I was told it will be a quite happening day cos 700tickets were sold out...So expecting many visitors to our booth :P
but ok, cut the craps, finally we didnt managed to earn much as not much ppl attended the party. WRONG info was received, yesterday 600 myanmar ppl was here but they postponed it till today. But too bad.. sob sob
i nearly fall asleep while sitting there and holding the box of money, despite some good looking chap and pretty girls will be on stage shake and twist, i dont feel the enthusiasm to even have a glance on them~ cos im afraid those people might splash water on me again. yeah, there was this guy who came and talk to me when i stood there watching my pet sister singing on stage. sigh, it was like chicken talking to duck scene cause i really dont understand despite that they do speak english. this funny chap not only ask for my phone, hse location, name, etc, but he took out his cologne and sprayed at me , my mom and aunty despite i refused. But it's a manner for them.. so reluctantly, we gotta receive their splashes.
sigh, money not to be mentioned but time and effort, i guess im not paid for today since the profit margin was so low, only Carlsberg have been sold massively. Well, experience is what you get when you dont get what you want:) anyway couldnt be bothered ..
life sux~ especially after graduate,i recalled i rejected countless of dates. I just dont know why, i rather spend more quality time with my mom :) not even meeting up some old friends at my secondary school. At this moment, all i wanted is to be alone, to be a lone ranger and to be a total different person of my usual self.
Since granny pass away, i didnt realised that intentionally or unintentionally i've changed alot. Im not into those social activities nor going for dates with some sweet nice guys. i didnt know why but just not in the mood. perhaps im still mourning. At times, im a bit moody. I just wanted to sit down at home and watch some nice TV progs.
Phone calls, sms'es ? i see no keen in there although i intended to avoid an australia friend of mine who called me during the wee hours. Few years ago, i might still entertain those bastards who called at the middle of nowhere just to say they miss me BUT that was the old lame bitchy me.. as age is catching up, i wont put my life at stake, i need good rest and sleep. DESPITE the loud ringing or even i mite still awake. I wont answer those calls as i didnt want them to make it as a habit. Im a human , a decent girl who have schedule~ if they disobey and irrespect me, why should i again answer their phone call? might as well ask Maxis to ban these numbers :P play play*
sigh, infact i aint happy, nor sad, but listening to music did help abit to cool down my blues. I didnt know how long im gonna remain in this cave... perhaps TIME is all i need..... need to re-tune myself..
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| 04.12.04 (1:01 am) [edit] |
woke up today, entire body was aching. Perhaps i dance excessively last nite. Reading back my blog last night. i feel so stupid and idiotic.. especially the last few paragraphs. To which partially was true and partially isn't at all..
Drunk is all i can say, and never ever trust someone who had drunk. YES, i took many sips last nite. er... opsss. i didnt pay for it but keith and others malat paid but managed to grab some others cups and drink as i guess im doing them a big favour too. YES, those male need to drive their gf back home safely and themselves. So they couldnt take liqour that much :) but me different cos i need not to drive. That's why i could dance like mad and took every sip frm every cups.. except edie and snoopy cos their gf might not like it if i shared the cups with their bf :)
the thing i hate most there was the suffocating and stuffy smoke.. most of them dance, drink and smoke except 3 of us :) we drink, we dance but we made our vow not to smoke cos my mom will strangled me till death if she sniff that :P The night was well spent. COULDNT imagine ah heng could dance so well.. cos in class he look so timid and serious but last nite, he really had lot of funs, at a moment we almost forgotten who we really are? Just thought we are the back alley rascals cos we come with 6cars and those guys really look rudget and daring, except a few one who still wear T shirts and jeans and CAP... that's cute...
it actually came across my mind not to go to Flam cos that's the place my second ex used to hang around. But somewhat i did hope he was there for the 'madness'...
but part of me hope i wont bumped into him either cos who knows i might grab another guy for kissing scene in front of him.. Merely to go under his nerves! i didn't know why but his impact to me was strong.
not that he is super gorgeous, super rich, super smart or whatever cos few of my classmates would have already fulfill these criterias if those traits are my potential candidates. Few days back when he sms'ed me, he mentioned quite a number of stuffs which was meant for us both during the past.. Gheeez, he never forgot anything or everything about me...yet he dropped many hints and even told me that he recalled many many silly things about us...
Let bygones be bygones.Thats what i told myself, he already move forward with his new interest in life YET im still tumbled down here, doing nothing. I didnt know the reason i could still head over heel BUT i could feel that he is different from any guys i came across, at least he wont being bullied by me.. :D dont get me wrong, im not trying to hunt for MR FIERCE but MR RIGHT, others potential guys which i got to known this 2 years were always the soft spoken and tolerate towards me~! but although i appreciate it so much, i do love it being treated as 1st class citizen but gentle voice and affection wont last forever..
One of my colleague told me once, get someone who can make u laugh, respect u and love your parents as well.. I see these traits in him cos every second, he really made me laugh even with some stupid cantonese vulgar words, although some are merely a lie but the intention was to get me smile and laugh at it :) im more than happier.
Keith,Kelvin,Yvment,Sky and CS would never know how to crack jokes and make me laugh. Although i must admit i sound like getting a clown as my partner but somewhat i guess a good mixture of clown and leader will be good too. Especially when i seek for advices and opinions, he might give me constructive opinions rather than normal consoling advices like kelvin always did :(
time flies, it has been 2 years since we separated but i felt it just occured yesterday. I know i did struggled hard to accept some nice chaps which came across my life. i tried my best to accept them but seriously, i feel bad and guilty because i could not love them as much as i love my ex. As long as the love for him is still there, there will be no one who can outperform him..although to him, im pretty much nothing OR else he wouldnt have find a gf sonner than i do.
Say me stupid, silly or anything but i do not want to hurt anyone,Im upset because after so many attempt, i never succeed to shed off him frm my mind. I just dont know why. Are those poems that influential? i do not know but he was the guy which made my life miserable, borrowing him a large sum of money and someone who can wake up during the wee hours just to reply his sms or read one.. Serious shit. I guess im really useless and idiotic for having those feelings around still after 2years..
i really DO NOT know what to do..Just hope i will never fall in love again and never fall out of love again..
PEACE
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| BMKUH lengchai and lenglui |
| 04.11.04 (12:15 pm) [edit] |
Came back frm the farewell party.ALL I CAN say is we really enjoy the night. Korean BBQ and PANTAI PLAZA. and flam for the second round. 23 of us went there with the moment of truth, YEAH, we are going to depart from our 3 years friendship :( each of us will head for our own path where me myself, i havent really decide yet.
During the korean bbq, we took numbers of pictures. Seriously, i think we look like HOLLYWOOD actress with numbers of cameras focussing on us :) but well, managed to take some pics.. edie and snoppy brought their gf along. well, one word : GORGEOUS.. hmm and friendly too. although i never took the initiative to talk to them personally but i know they are nice too in a way.
HAHA, my both friends were the lucky chaps to have these girls. SERIOUS! from the way they dance, already proven they are 100% decent girls. Motionless:) but i guess that's thier UNIT SELLING POINT...
during the flam itself. well i somewhat enjoy. Yeah ah heng dragged me to dance with him but i was kinda pull out cos he is damn good in dancing, with his flexible style and body.sigh~! so i dance like a moron instead with my lin sisters.
Keith on d other hand dance like a robot.. sigh this chap memang susah wan. A wonderful guy too cos he helped me lots of times although i must admit i did help him in his academic aspects too :) he donated rm50 to me when i had a fund raising activities. All my friends were surprised why he could donate such a lot of money because the maximum was RM10 but he was generous to pay rm50 to me at once ...okie i force him too :)
yeah i guess he got the cash, credit , cars,carriers, but somewhat we never associated together because the possibility is not high. He seems nice and good till the extend that i might torture him or bully him if im his gf.But arrrrrr forget abt him, he never confess after all.
Going along with 6cars were never an easy task becos steven's car left at the middle of nowhere, so we waited for him for 30mins.before we reach the korean seafood.. hearty meal altho i can said i only took the octopus :)
really tired and sleepy but still thought of something. something which never should have think but things are like that. Sometimes things were just now within out control. SO just hope we do our best in bargaining stuffd :)
Sleeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppp ppppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
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| final countdown!! |
| 04.05.04 (6:39 pm) [edit] |
good morning malaysia. i died last nite but im re-alive today. well, i didnt do well in my exam yesterday which totally drawn to my disappointment whereas my lin sisters somewhat score well for it. NOT that im one of the kiasu bitch but i hate it when they tried to ask me HOW well i did and did i managed to finish all those up? in other ways they are trying to compare their intellectual capacities and mine~ yeah COMPARING~ which i totally feel offended by that. Im not upset because i might lose but i definately upset and mad abt myself if im defeated by them both~ YES~ in a way, the are much better than i do, smart, and skinny~ me dumb and fat :arrow: which i guess they would rather detach my from the lin sister group. I dont know~ but the intense pressure really drive me crazy and i just cant manage with it~ Mike told me once i need to watch the movie anger management~ but well cant be bother of that show since im not into movies and etc .. Im really bored person by nature. No one knows that~
i swear that i tried to write it with my fastest capacities but well, i dont think i did well despite i finish my questions. One Qs mite maximum take up 45 minutes but well, time management~ i took more than 1hour for the 3rd questions and well i misinterpret the question wrongly and what's more? waiting to get D' for this subject. and another thing which upset me is......
I know my lecturer put a high hope on me in a way. BUT too bad, i just couldnt meet her expectation :( perhaps my lin sisters would~
I have numerous of offers right now. From those uncle uncle who successful in business and corporate world and even some of my friends who wanted to intro me jobs which promise a nice cars and salary few years down the road SO WHY SWEAT over the degree when they did not wanted to look or have a glance over my certificate.. WELL, i guess the only person i need to overcome is MYSELF...is my egoism that drive me to the blue. i hate myself damn much, not only i didnt excel but i might disappointed my late granny :( damn~ i feel so bad every now and then
But i make a vow this morning that, life still have to go on whether i like it or not~whether im passing or failing one but i still gotta MOVE on~~but sadly, i need to disappointed lots of people who put hopes in me. Im HOPELESS i guess...
They said exam is not everything and so to degree. it can prove whether you are smart or retarded because it's only tested on our memorizing skills. HOW much you can memorize will mean how much you could score?? too bad~ im not those memorizing type of person, UNDERSTANDING comes very first to me but too bad~ i regreted because i never intend to photocopy everything from the books... BUT still, in exam WHO DOESNT want to score well depsite of your current job never require any excellent qualification from u..STILL, i wish to do well as i've waited to these days after 3years.. So at the end of the day, people still think im a bimbo~ who laugh, hanging around with loads of friends, no worries for life, party animal but SUCKS in exam~ can i really change their perception? PERHAPS.. few years down the road, we should compare our paycheck and assests..it shall justify who is the successor and who's d failure??
but i never worry about that because im quite optimistic towards my future. Not because the fortune teller told me so~ but the faith i have in myself.
I told my friend once that i have one hidden power. THIS is what i possessed and something i could proud off and something i guess will outperform my lin sisters.. BUT im not gonna disclose here, otherwise it wouldnt be my weapon then. Dont worry, im not talking about mystical thingy but i guess everyone of us have this inner power. JUST the matter of more or lesser!! curious~ haha.. get to know me longer and i think you will be able to unleash my power and will~ My friend told me once that im someone with strong will power and... she said i could achieve all my dreams and goals with my will power.. In a way, i agreed but sometimes, too much of will power could lead to stubborness.. and dont get me wrong, this is not my so -called hidden power i mentioned earlier..it would never be one because im such a numb person. HOW on earth i still have that so called power.~ LoL
a good friend*of mine asked me whether did i really fall in love with someone so deeply and wish to express and let him know you really love him... and worry that if he knows that u cant live without him, he might dump you?.. well the answer is YES, i love some being before and still loving him still depsite he already found his new interest. GF i mean. at times, i wanted to tell him how much i've miss him and how much he mean to my life but then again~ he might take me for granted if he ever knows that~ so i'm always the passive side, who waited to being loved and cared and let him do all the courtship thingy. I appreciate all that, we played literati ( which used to be my fav game), talk over the irc, hse phone, hp, MCdonalds, and all his poems. EVERYTHING~ i could remember all the things he had done, there were times when he was in EMPO ; clubbing obviously and well, he spent his whole day SMSing me and his best buddy even called me up to ask me stop replying OR else he wont be dancing with those girls and guys.. that's so sweet right?In fact not much memories between us as everything were expressed over the phone and sms. i recalled how he used to report to me when he reached home EVERYDAY~ knowing i will be sleeping at the WEE hours, he just drop a line of sms..i never obliged him to do so but im happy cos he did so :)
I've promised him something indeed back then that i might officially accept him when his weight reach an ideal weight ( which determined by me) cos he is way too skinny.~ i dislike skinny guys because i, myself is chubby chick in nature, so i dont want to walk next to a bamboo stick. He did tried to pile up many kilos before i told him we are over~at the moment, he left a few more kg to reach his goal, but too bad, i called it off because i was told that he's doubling me~ so, i made my decision that we are OFF now and then. AND yet he never know the truth till someday ago~ but everything has become an ash.There will be no where back since both of us are ego by nature...
Surprisingly he smsed me the other day but i didnt intend to talk to him due to my anger towards him. but when i was upset yesterday, i isolated myself in my cave (room) i didnt intend to talk to my friends because i know they would just comforting me and ease my pain. Hardly anyone could cheer me up~ so i didnt know how on earth i could sms him and talk to him. YES, he replied and seemed concerning still.. He said that he might not be a good listener but he will be one of the clown beside me to cheer me up~ it did help abit , but i still reluctant to tell him abt my probs, just to mention abit about my granny's case ..
i never thought sms could be so hard that i took more than few mins to think what i suppose to write to him ( too much of coke spoilt the soup) and he replied me snaily too..( i wonder if he felt the same, WORDS are hard to utter out between us).. Out of sudden, he told me " hey, i reached 65kg already".. i didnt know what he is trying to imply in here. i didnt want to give myself any hope even, I know 65kg is the ideal weight which i mentioned 1years++ back.. Is he trying to drop me some hint that he could have become my steady with that weight. YES~ but that would be the past me.. not NOW.. so instead i tried to change his conversation..and talked abt something else. I will never allow him to have the second chance to hurt me or doubling me..
I told him that i have no intention to go between him and his gf, i just wanna release my tense and blurt things out~~and he asked me not to care abt her* cos he could have a girlfriend too.. to which i will strangled him till death if i'm his current gf. :) i told him i wont drag him into any troubles and i assured him im fine.. and somehow he mentioned something.. he said i'm ALWAYS like that. forever unchanged. Like to keep things myself. For the first time, this being understand abt me~ he knows i like to keep things myself and doesnt like to share my burdens.. and i purposely irritated him by saying " are you trying to imply im stubborn".. and i guess he has nothing to say even~ in a way, i could sense we still like each others cause he still remember all the things i mentioned to him : he asked me if i still like McDs ?? he mentioned abt his weight~ Okie. i guess that's sufficient enough. I didnt expect him to remember every single thing of mine but as long as those pertinent thingy, he could still recall~ it shows my importance in smaller portion of his heart. That's sufficient~ Nothing i could ask for because we know we are no longer meant for each other anymore. :)
I know he has done a lot for me to which he wouldnt have do for all his ex gf. writing love letters and poems.. one of his close buddy told me that he's a hot item in college back then,that many girls offered herself to him.. so his friend assured me im the lucky girl and i should grab my chance, to which i never did as what he told.. I couldnt be bothered if he was a superstar or what.. others girls might initiated their courtship but that wouldnt be me because if he really want me, he should take the initiative. AND he did.. a lot.. but.. fate never put us together because i tend to feel threatened by all of his girl pals. I never showed my jealousy but i feel insecured at times. arghhhhhhhh but what is over is over. Im glad that we remain as a friend still but...
there will be a boundaries somehow, to which is something good for us too... at least i will devote my time for my future bf and he will devote to his gf.. that's all i could say..
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