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| no more losing!! |
| 05.31.04 (8:59 am) [edit] |
well, i didnt know how to put things in word. Well at least, all i can say is i'm happy now. Not with my job but with my love life who took a turning point after so many singlehood years. The fact is i'm in single but N/A mode because i still hoping one fine day, i could find my true 'love'. But, throughout my search, i've met countless of chap who are wonderful, nasty, wicked, cunning, good, bad or you name it. But, i see no commitment with them probably because the incompatibility. Not that they are less good, just that i could hardly have any feeling towards them. I tried to give out and pour out my feelings to those potential candidates but to no avail. I find myself deceiving them and most importantly, i'm deceiving myself too. WHICH i cant really forgive myself even if keep continue doing this. That's why i made a vow to tell and clarify everything to 'them' ; my potential future bf's . Although truth is always cruel and hurt, but i cant see myself to lie or keep empty promises to them. They never ill treated me nor cheated on me. So, i dont wish to hurt them any deeper, thus, i attempt to tell them nothing but the truth. I thank God that everyone seemed understanding, except for few which could hardly let go. But eventually, they let me off, just as long as they see me happy, they're more than happier - that was what i've been told.
Life is just like a box of chocolate, you never know what you'll get!! heheh.. i dont know but i love my caterpillar dearly but it's bit hard for me to attach myself though.
Perhaps, the feeling of insecure, hunger of freedom and distrust forbid me from commitment. Despite, i've always wanted to find a true love but i'm afriad when i really PUT in all my effort, love and feelings, AND if things screw up, i'll be really upset. So, i try not to put my love life in a stake by being extremely cautious..
That's my biggest problem i guess because.. i really lost my sense of direction. Wish my late grandmother give me a guidance and lead me to the right way. I'm tired and frustrated.. I can't bear to lose anything in my life again.... :shock:
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| none |
| 05.21.04 (3:36 am) [edit] |
nothing much about today, well, because nothing special except i drove my mom to subang to claim
my deposit. :) well, perhaps more practices are needed still as i hardly pay any attention
to side mirror. That's why i was quite panic if i were to ask to slip out from my lane. Some
stupid car will honk me any time. :( *sobsob*.. Well, dont know, another reason is because my
mom is beside me. She likes to SHOUT and YELL as if she's the one driving. Quite pressurize.
I like my dad's instructions though because he was a driving instructor :). My dad wont
yell and shout at me out of sudden but if he does, then it proves i'm really in a deep shitz,
My mom is a panic queen who insists me to drive 80kmh maximum although i believe i could reach
100kmh :) but anyway, doesn't matter~ safety comes first!
well, last nite, had a literati match with Mr B. Errrr, i thought i might win because i BINGO
at the very first turn of mine :( but too bad, he catch up and eventually ahead me :(..
BUT the problem was not with the match or he simply won me! But he's a small gas monster :P
who take my words very seriously,and mood swinging can change 360 degree. :P and...yet, another
trait of him which alike mine is : despite he's mad or upset, he would say, NO LAH, not mad.
OMG, this is so much like me. Then, i knew it was my mistake to irritate him at the first
place so, i intended to give in, but he put me off in a good manner :
asking me to go sleep as i might be working the next morning. WOW! what a good yet lame reason to chase
me off, so, i'd just mute and remained silent.
Sharp 5.30pm in the evening, i went for a jogging, despite my condition does'nt allowed me
because i've just donated blood, and my health is still rather fragile. However, it never
stops me because i'd told my mom, it's just a short jog, around my housing area, AND,
the field is just beside my house! WHAT A WASTE if i never make use of those facilities
afterall we paid extra RM 10k as it's next to the field and playground. OH, my brother
and his gf seemed to have their sweet time playing badminton even. Sigh, jealous * jealous
a bit! being his sister for 21years, never even invited me to play a badminton with him!
Okie, im running out of the topic. :(. back to JOGGING. yeah, jogging is fun in a way
that it really makes u sweat and build up yr stamina but i couldnt not stand those little rascals
and idiotic-barbarian-non civilized ppl who wolves whistling when i passed by each time.
co'mon, mind your WHISTLE!! arghhh, next time i shall bring along pepper spray and my alarm
to prevent any unforeseen circumstances!
while typing here now, i'm listening to JENNY FROM THE BLOCK - JLo.. well the song, which
i somehow disliked in the past become my favourite song. Because i feel, it stated her personal
feelings. It did inspired me in a way.hmmmm, yeah talking about blog, i've read a friend blog
last nite, something which interest me was he's seeing his best friend ex-gf. and he was accused
for snatching people's gf. But the truth is the girl had separated with his ex-bf and she's the
one who expressed her liking to my friend. AND well, things mess up later and the friendship
was on a stake because of a girl! HMMMM, what should i say? errr, i don't know but if i put
myself in the ex-bf's shoe, i'd guess i'll be very piss off too, but if i were the girl,
i feel i have the right to choose someone i like and if i were my friend, i'll definately
wouldn't go out with my best friend gf or develop any Boy Girl relationship for the temporary
of time. Maybe i'd leave things for a while to cool down and if i really love the girl, i would
pursue! But seeing her immediately after her broke up with my best friend will even dampen
the relationship! ... In a nutshell, im not a love expert but quite a failure in love and BGR
.. i couldn't even handle my lovelife well and do you think i could comment on others, but
merely giving my opinions ~ But who cares my opinion because i'm no one to speak here.
me myself facing problems. probably i'm not ready to accept anyone at the moment. Sometimes,
i feel that oneself in an alone world is happier and have more freedom. I'm a boring girl
who dislike to go out a date everyday and everynight, i prefer to be at home and in my room
doing my stuffs and online :) .. if i were to attach, i need to forfeit all my weird habits
and rituals. i dislike going out for a mid night movie or clubbing or yumcha, BUT with
my girl pals i could still consider because they'd simply update me with some interesting
stuffs like WHO is going after who ( our ex-classmates) and we will giggled and laughed out loud
:)..with special someone, sometimes, i find myself tend to get bored, because we're talking
'blank'.. we talked nothing :( but still we gotta pretend as if we are interested in each others
topic~ heheh.. This is what they called as COURTSHIP. i feel i'm too old for that~
That's why i could say, im a more classic person, i like poems and words rather than
chit chatting and going out for a show or movie. I'll be more impressed with someone's
intellectual rather than his flattery and sweet talks. :) Oh, of course, i do like gifts
:) once in a while a surprise will enhance a relationship. Hehe@.. how on earth i'd demand
so much?? ~!@#$%
today, gonna be home alone because my friend said he's a bit busy for me and he'd see me
tmr, so, i guess i mite end up HOME ALONE because my mom is going out with UNCLE for some
dinner function, while my brother will occupy her gf once he reached home. So, in conclusion,
im alone again, BUT doest matter because i could drive now! and i could drive out and
have my hearty dinner by myself :).. after all loneliness is my friend since the last 2 years.
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| sad case! |
| 05.13.04 (9:42 am) [edit] |
well, glad that today, i finally possess my own car after 21 year of bus riding, father's fetching and mama fetching stuffs. Well, so happy that my for my first ever 'hubby' presence in my family :). well, at least i'll treat him like my 'husband'. Just like how those guys treat the car as their second wives. The car plat number is 9183 :P simply because i was born in 1983 but, that number was taken off long time ago .. :( so my other options like 3888,8883,9283 were taken by others. So, the last resort is 9183.. but anyway im really happy with it and over all, i'm thankful and glad because i've own a car now after such a long time pestering and begging my mom fot it :). Hence, me and my mom were at the Pantai Bharu Klang to meet with the salesman in order to enable us to fix and get things done by today even.
So, my impatient mum chased them and finally we went to the JPJ just to register the car number and obtain it shortly..
Suppose to be a happy day but i was kinda shocked to learn that infact my brother's gf invaded my privacy and sneaked into my room while me and my mom were not at home (today). Seriously, i've got the evidence in my webcam. I never thought of setting her up but well, she's the one who commit the fault. In my entire life, i've this taboo, which is sharing clothes with peoples BUT hell, she tried 2 clothes of mine as if nobody business. i hate itttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttt... she touched and messed around with my accessories and stuffs. Bloodyfulllllllllll, i was damn pissed and reported to my mom then. My mom was shocked and seemed not to believe but after she watched it with her own pair of eyes :) she'd trusted me!! Sigh, but she seems helpless and guilty because she's one who asked me to accept my ANY-time-any minute sister-in law. Okie, at first, i thought i was being too sensitive and giving people hard time. My mom and bro have taught me to accept people despite of their educational and family background. So, i've finally try to prove that i was very WRONG, and trying to be nice with her!! but eventually she disappointed the trust that we've offered to her. Dont know whether we should do anything or not because i'm really afraid she might have any bad intentions towards our family.. freaky freaky girl :( none other to blame than my beloved YET useless brother!
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| happy BIRTHDAY my love one!! |
| 05.12.04 (5:01 am) [edit] |
well, tmr will be my late granny's birthday. May the 13th. Somehow it clashes with willie's 21st birthday.
i don't know whether i should feel happy or upset at it even. Well, although i guess i hardly
feel sad but every now and then, i still thought my of granny so badly, i cried everytime
when i entered her room. I could feel her presence there and her 'smell' reminds me of her even.
But what was gone is gone. I could'nt afford to tumble down now, because i've promised her
that i might live my life happily and meaningful. Rather than being a failure, who might
disappoint her when she looks down from heaven. But yes! i do love her, and thinking of her,
it even boost up my fighting spirit and enthusiasm. Perhaps, she'd sent her blessings to me.
Apart from granny, something else which bothers me is the return of an influential person
in my life. Well, none other than 'him'. He's back for good. I recalled i was the one
who initiated the conversation and simple sms. And he called me up and things went smoothly
like a long-lost friend. We talked for a while, giggled and laughed at each other silliness.
Finally, after a while, we began to blurt things out. I told him the reason i chose to reject
him initially, and he clarified the whole scene all over again. That, yes! he did concealed
something from me because he's afriad i might get mad or jealous. But hey!! i thought,'honesty'
and 'trust' are the essence for a lasting relationship. So, rightly or wrongly, he should
at least acknowledge me or tell me nothing but the truth. As ruthless as i might be,I won't
penalize on those who are being 'honest' and frank with me! I do agree that 'the truth can
be really upsetting and hurtful' but 'LIES' are definately severe than that.Why can't he
thought about my feeling for a second before he did this to me? I don't know BUT when i
was told by his pal, i felt so depressed and frustrated. I'm asking myself, did i trusted
a wrong guy? How could he did this to me? Did he knows that i love him so much that
his act might seriously refrained all my feelings? I was miserable and upset for a while
before i could think of some lame excuse to reject his 'offer'.I could sense that FATE put
us together to meet but never destined us to become a couple! I gotta cried alone throughout
the silent nights.
Well, not much of my friends knew this because they might say ' argh, comon, you've got
better choices' or ' you're so stupid, why cry over someone who never love you in the
first place' or 'This is life, men are always like that. MOVE ON'.. Thus, few of my really
close buddies know about my sorrows! Yet, the same thing they gonna tell me. Come on,
you're definately deserve a GOOD one, DON'T GIVE UP a forest just because of a TREE..
I appreciate their support, sympathy and advices too. But, i told myself, after my last tear,
I will move on! Thanks to all my friends and classmates who've been there to watch over me,
guide me and being there for me whenever i was down! They asked me out for a dinner,movie,
karaoke and CLUBING to fill all my lonely time with something hippy, fun, cool and interesting.
I thank GOD that despite of my broken family since i was young and failure in my lovelife,
i'd still have plenty of friends to count on when things really goes wrong! But, out of
many friends that i could rely on, i must come to know that, there are certain friends,
who treated me well because of their intention to get my affection. When out of sudden,
they said " infact, i really like you all these while, and i promise i could treat you
better than any of the GUYS who love you".. OMG, i couldnt believe in this! How on earth
someone confess when i'm seriously in a BLUE. Sigh! Why these things could happen to me?
How foolish it can be when the person you LOVE, you could never possess BUT the person
you never LOVE even, insist to possess you! With my courageous to put the FRIENDSHIP on a stake,
i'd declined every proposal and offer from every of my male friends. Yes, i might not
have as much GUY friend as i used to, BUT putting them off rather than giving fake hope
is the best remedy. Is up to them for not treating me as their friend anymore BUT, i'd still
treat them as my pal if they ever accept the 'fact' that i'm not into BOY GIRL RELATIONSHIP
at the moment.
As for the 'very' HIM.. i never thought of anything rather than seeing each other as a normal
friend basis. Afterall, he'll be away for a while and i'll be starting off with my job.
We need sometime and space to see whether if we are meant to be together! The biggest mistake
we'd encountered previously was WE JUMPED into the relationship too SOON and FAST. That
we hardly have faith on each other, we have'nt build our trust and confident on each other
YET we tend to item-up shortly after some courtship. That's is why, he hardly know me,
and i hardly learnt more about him. That explains why i trusted what his buddy had said about
him because i felt so insecure and unsure about him! As for him, i guess he didn't know
much about me. He'd thought that i'm one of those girl who fooling around and give false hope
to peoples. AND he kept saying ' i've plenty of lame excuses'.. Well, if he really understand
me well :), he would sniff something 'fishy' from the lame excuses and confronted me ONCE
and FOR ALL, rather than draw out a conclusion by himself. What ever it is, everything were
past and remain as HISTORY now ! The good news is we're still friend after the 'shit' happened.
Yea, he's still as sweet as he used to be, and so to me :P.. but , err.. now, he's a bit
like a little rascal who likes to scold vulgar words =). And i guess i can scold it pretty
well too because i've learnt it from my KL friends. But, i've made a vow not to scold those
foul languages UNLESS im pissed off. REASON? Pretty much of my friends (male) had been
complaining that i've became nasty and rude, i've the bloody guts to point a middle finger
to a friend's friend ( who irritated me so much) .. ohmmm, i guess i've gotta reduce my foul
words till the minimum level as THEY SAID, you're too innocent for that.. so, don't ruin
your own image and reputation as a MISS-GOOD-GIRL. Sometimes, i do hate it when people think
i'm just another typical innocent girl who should FOLLOW-BY the rules. That people like me
should be 'smart, innocent, and SUCCESSFUL.. NO VULGAR WORDS, NO STUPID JOKES and ANSWERS.
NO FAILURE. That's why, i guess how my 'kiasu'ness' developed ! The people surround me,
everyone expect me to being a smart a**, and successful in everything : whether academic
or relationship. BUT indeed, i'm a true 'failure'.. I'm not smart for goodness sake,
and i'm not as successful as what people expected me to be~! BUT i'm kiasu for sure~
I could remember, there was once when my weight issue has become the 'talk of the town'.
When i undegone a strict diet, i was 45kg with skinny and petite size. Peoples around me
started to question me, HOW ON EARTH i look like an aneroxic? HOW a DORAEMON size could
downsize to OLIVE (poppye's gf)? OMG~ over concerning sometimes cam be really irritating and annoying
..MY friends started to ask me GAIN weight for goodness sake, because i look so SICK
with my abnormal weight. So, when i have gained my weight .. ok, additional piles of kg,
it has became another issue : HOW ON EARTH, my figure blown up so fast? now i look like
a balloon! Argggggggh, again, some friend asked me to lose weight if i still thought
of getting a bf? haha.. I thanked them for being frank and honest with me~ but at times , i
just felt so funny and silly when out of sudden, i was like being controlled by people's
thought and impression. CANT i just being what i am? But i guess, in order to comfort myself
i shall take what they've said as a credit than an insult. At least, i was someone they look
up upon :) right?
HMMM. how on earth i started to run out of the topic? haha.. well nothing. perhaps..
nothing. As for HIM, well, i don't know what i could do or what we should have do to
save the relationship! I guess only TIME will tell and prove! I'm not going to do
anymore thing as i know, i've been doing alot of things since last time. I even initiated the
first hello and well, ended up being pranked by his ex-gf. I feel so ashamed!
So, i would just remain here, and 'wait and see'.. IF he really loves me or we are meant to be
EVERYTHING should be in the right pace and he'll find his way to patch things up
BUT not at the moment as i'm still recovering from my wound! We shall let God just decide.
Perhaps he could find a brand-new-charming gf tomorrow and i'm no longer 'someone' to him!
HaHa! Life is just like a box of chocolate, you'll never know what you'll get next! Perhaps
i might even ended up with Bill Gate's son.. lol.. okie, this is JOKE of the DAY! Take it easy!
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| See Me fly.. |
| 05.08.04 (3:20 am) [edit] |
why shitz always happen to me? TELL ME~! i'm a farking bitch who wanna make a living out.. BUT how on earth things gone so badly for me. Everything just against the flow~! I'm in serious shitz, and i feel totally lost. Knowing that one of my close buddy do something behind me, i was so devastated and frustrated. Well , dont get me wrong here. It's not about lovely mushy stories NOR BGR (boy girl relationship), BUT im farking pissed off with my so called friend 'K' who do things without considering my feelings. I know he'll betray me ONE FINE DAY, because i know him too well. I just know his capabilities and percentage he stands of betraying me. I never underestimate his sense of curiosity. Because, he's damn fucking bastard who've the time, money and effort to dig the darkest secrets of mine, from past to present. BUT hey, wait a minute, for what he've done, i shouldn't FEAR or scared because no one know the darkest secrets of mine except a being called 'ying's best friend', BUT who's YING's best friend.. haha! well, i've a lot of best friends, DON't MISUN me for being bitchy but seriously, i've more than ONE best friend ! But the one which totally knows my secrets is 'P&C'... Im here to justify that not EVERY best friends of mine entitle with my darkest secrets cause i never trusted all of them INCLUDE my family members. The person i've trusted most is my late grandmother. :shock: You must be wondering why? Simply because she's kinda absent minded and she tend to forget things faster than anyone out there. Sometimes, when i thought of her, my tears will fall automatically as i miss her so BADLY.
Granny had taught me lots of stuffs and gave me load of advices from dating till MONEY matters. I'll seriously bear that in mind every now and then!
Good news again * for myself* , that i'm already over him after 1year++ struggle.. From day to day, i'm recovering and started to think i should have deserve a better guy. His words " Even you didnt want to talk to me, i dun mind wan" gave me a huge awakening SLAP!! Now, i'd still treat him like a close friend of mine but the 'feeling' i had towards him vanish from day to day! :o I was told by him that, infact i should have become his steady according to a Fortune teller. But, well, no! no! no!, as much as i love him, I LOVE myself even more. :D I can't SACRIFICE everything just because of a word : love~! I can sense that both of us were similar by nature that we've high egoism and bossy. We tend to dominate our partner ! AND being with him would mean that i have to give up all my unique characteristics , namely : temperamental, ego, rebellious, and stubborn. I'd have to start being the 'lady-like' kind of girl, innocent, decent, sof-spoken, low-egoism, less enthusiastic, less retaliation, and less dominant, WHICH i swear that i could'nt let go of these traits. I'll rather love someone who gives me the freedom, and sense of belonging. I don't wish to lose my own identity even when i'm commited~! I don't want to impress or please any guy but i'll hope the LOVE me for just who i' am now, NOT what they expect me to be! Yes, i'm temperamental at times, nosy, crazy, serious, childish, timid,irritating, annoying and fucking boring person! IF he really loves me, he gotta ACCEPT these traits of mine! Not asking me to change. Okie, minor changes still acceptable like LESS temperamental or less rebellious BUT the ORIGINALITY must be maintained still. I wont change myself for him and i guess i never expect anyone NOR him to change himself because of me. So, in conclusion, despite of the fate which indicated that we 'should had been a loving couple', i guess i shall hereby try all my best to change the 'destiny'.. I won't love such guys,man! No way!
Ok, i'd rephrase, Not that i won't love, BUT i wont attached myself to such guys or getting a hitched with him even. NO NO NO! never~ .. If you were to ask me, whether i'm regret for choosing this resolution. I would most probably saying YES, but if you'd ask me to surrender all my personality, characteristics, attitudes and traits, I'll be EVEN regretful. Come on, MEN are everywhere , after all, at tender age of 21, i believe my Mr Right will turn up soon or later. There is no rush to get myself a boyfriend because I'm so proud of being single.. At least my mum will be the happiest person to hear that because, she'll have me occupy her everyday and night. Yeah, one more thing : i'm MUMMY's daughter. If ever a guy wanted to pursue me, he'd really gotta court my mother first. :).. Of course the final decision still lies on my hand!
So, i'm relieved that i've already able to let go of him! I thought i need more time instead! I was wrong~ Being friend with 'him' now really allow me to see things clearer. Ha ha ha! He's a ROMEO with plenty of self-volunteered JULIETS.. but well, although i understand that he only loves me currently and 2 of his ex(s). I couldn't see any future being with him. Perhaps, i don't wish to jeopardize our friendship, so i made a vow that we could only be friend, nothing more than that. I believe he'd find someone better , who's willingly to forfeit anything for him. BUT, i could never do this because , perhaps, err.. im selfish. Yeah, i love myself even more. I couldn't being so unfair to myself, right? We only live once, so why treat ourself like second class citizen. So, in a nutshell, I'm free like a bird, already flown away! and i'm happy now.
Life has no regret for me!
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| Friends AGAIN |
| 05.05.04 (9:59 am) [edit] |
I guess it has been quite sometime since i updated my blog, in fact too many things to write. Well, i dont know how the heck time flies so fast! It has been 1 month my granny passed away. Although every now and then i will still miss her dearly, but i know she wants us to MOVE on and live happily. Not tumble down and make things worst. So, i've accept the fact that she is GONE now and forever. But, will LIVE forever in my mind, especially the memories we had together! :)
My bro's gf came and stayed with us for 1 week. Well, what can i say abt her. To be frank, i didn't like her much as she gave me a negative FIRST impression.
SO, ladies and gentleman, first impression does count especially getting brownie's points :).. okie, to make things short, finally, i accept the fact that that girl would stand the chances of being my SISTER IN LAW any minutes. SO why can't i accept her and being nice to her since my brother is head over heels. Eventually, she knows how to communicate with me and my mum :).. That enhance her image too.. She even thanked me today when i mopped my brother's room. Ok, i like polite girls , so, i don't think i should give her any hard times too.. poor thing ~ if i imagine when my FUTURE bf's sister giving me hard time, i'll be like.. fu*k it~! just wanna make a living out. Why make a big fuss over you and me? lol.. so i decide to be a SAINT this time! am i cute? haha :D
well, after 2 years, finally we are back as a friend. Im happy cause we still treating each other like friend. Okie, i never thought of going back together with him because of my personal reason. But we did called each other once a while and send sms'es, so, we share thoughts, opinions , jokes and feelings. :roll: But, somehow he told me that he still care, think and dreamt of me too, i'm quite surprise. I've never dream of him even, NOT even once~! :shock:
But somehow, im happy with my current status : single :) and i've told him i didnt plan to see anyone at the moment , so i guess my carrier will be my current prior :) .. sigh! now, i'm a bit worried~ i'll try to keep a distance away from in because i dont want to repeat the HISTORY. I really cherish the current relationship we are having.
Arrrgggggghhhhh, i never know im good at crapping. Sigh, my marginal utilities dropped ~ signing off.. tata.
To be continue later~!
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