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| Father's Day |
| 06.20.04 (1:32 am) [edit] |
well, pretty much insufficient sleep for today.
Been out since last night and came back at 2.30am in the morning and woke up at 8.30am as we need to go for breakfast with uncle's family :) A hearty meal i must say.
So we came back around 11am and i thought of having a nap due to insufficient sleep. Er, well, i guess i should sleep soundly this time, whereby i've told off a friend of mine, that i might be seeing someone really special to me and, i hinted to him that we could not see each other regularly as if nobody's business. The fact is this guy happened to be my ex-bf. Well, our stories have been the HISTORY and i clarified to him that we are no longer associated together. He was mad, pissed and angry with me because of all the sacrifices he had made, he thought he's entitled with my love. He said, he's someone which IS WAY MUCH better compared to my bf. YES, he definately got the cash, car, career and house. But this is not the criteria(s) i'm looking in a bloke. I will definately love my bf for what he is. NOT because how successful or wealthy he is? But i don't mind if he could have it.. WHO CAN RESIST a successful and wealthy guy after all, but if i were to choose, i rather choose someone which compatible with me, and able to be there for me whenever he's needed.
Part of my reason to reject this NICE -EX-bf chap is he's always busy with his business and neglected me, hardly have any time for me. He even called off few outings of us which really led to my disappointment. I think im a selfish creature, i hate it when my guy left me alone ...
Don't get me wrong, i'm not those gf who wanted to be by bf 24/7 but somehow i wanted someone who you feels " HE IS ALWAYS there".... Being with him last 3 years, at times, i felt i had no bf even due to his busy schedule. He's caring but all i wanted was some affection and attention.
He claimed that i'd been really secretive when i'm with him. Somehow i admit, yes! but, in any relationship i've commited, i'm always the one who torn between WHETHER to declare that i'm attached or single. Sometimes, i'm very afriad of people might say, i'm being with this guy or that guy because i'm going for money, or any others bad intention. i hardly wanted to make known to the public about my relationship..
Even the current guy im seeing, i guess not much of my girl friends know even my best friends in college. I'm afraid if things really MESS- UP or BROKE down at the middle of no where. The feeling of insecure. Perhaps, i'm one of those with broken family, that's why i tend to be quite pessimistic in love and relationship. I have a feeling of insecure about my partner and myself. I feel nothing will last long, and the happier i'm in a relation, the easier it jeopardizes..
I'm exhausted now, but serious, my current relation doesnt blend too well in my life either. I started to think if the problems are with me or my partner. i don't know but somehow i don't feel good like i used to. Not that i'm getting bored, but i felt he's withdrawing or lost interest in my life. He does whatever he thinks is his responsibility or obligation. WHICH in turn, i'd come up with few ideas and stuffs to irritate him back as revenge. I guess if things keep persist in such way, we could'nt really last for long. But i give all i can in order to maintain this relationship..
Since today's father day, just wish to greet my dad HAPPY Father's day.. and may him live with happy cherry and merry days.. stay in best health and best of luck in whatever he does.
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| Where is the LOVE? |
| 06.17.04 (8:16 am) [edit] |
somehow today should be a moody day because i dont feel good about myself. Managed to talk to a friend who called me back from Australia. However i didnt tell him anything or leak any single stuffs to him because he's a bit sensitive. After all, he's having his final soon, i don't wish to distrupt his studies even!
I browsed through my friendster list and go through some of my ex-schoolmates testimonials. Well, what can i say? Infact, if it was me last time, i wouldn't make any complaints nor bothering at those lovely dovey mushy
testimonials which written by those couples.
But having myself in a commitment, NOW, i tend to feel a bit of jealous and envy those loving couple. Despite, at times i find it is rather disgusting for PDA (Public Display Affection) .. Somehow i feel it is the sweetest things
a person could do for their love one. Poems, and any
letter which indicate their feelings and mood of love.
Too bad, my bf definately wouldn't do this.. UMMM.. now, dont get me wrong here. I'm not saying he won't write
to me, infact he can write so well and express himself
even better in poems and letters too, JUST that he wouldn't make it in PUBLIC.. He told me that even he loves me, he need not declare to the public, is the THOUGHT that counts. So, what else i could say about it?
Somehow i agree with what he'd said but on the other hand, i do wish he will write me sweet and lovely things..
Will it be too much? :(
I dont know to put things in words, but i know i have endless fear when i'm being with him. Feeling of insecure thicken everytime i thought of US..
I just wish my late grandma was here with me, then, she would be the one giving me nice piece of advices.
Sigh~! i just hope thing goes on smoothly for me..
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| love is blind |
| 06.14.04 (10:44 pm) [edit] |
Today i went to college to collect my result as well as my gown.
Well nothing much except the super nice photographer promised to give us back our
negative ( just me and my friend ) because we are the first customers or students who walk in.
So consider we are lucky though.
Well, nothing much about today except i've called my bf.
Surprisingly after i've done with all my stuffs, he is still sleeping
in his very sweet dream. I made him talked a while with me before i allowed him
to go back his lalaland. Hmmm.. it did struck my mind that how come i could end up with
such guy? who never have a proper time to sleep, who has no stable job (income) and
still deferring from his studies. I come to believe that LOVE is actually blind.
But despite all the shortcomings, i'm still with him because he's my crush, my love and
i presume to be my life partner.*hopefully* So, i wouldn't mind to stay by him during the hard times.
But unfortunately, all i can see is he takes no interest in my life. Shortly 2 weeks after
we've been going out, he seemed busy or hardly wanted to see me. I guess he doesn't miss me at all.
Or otherwise he would drive to my place just to peep or look for me. Obviously i'm a bit unhappy
and frustrated with his 'cold'ness towards me. BUT look at the positive side, perhaps, he
has some problems or busy with his thingy. Every now and then i tried to give myself or him
an excuse to comfort myself. Infact i felt he put his friend and GAME first rather than me.
Initially he used to call me dear, but nowadays, he never even call me as his dear, even the icq
offline message, he took more than 1 hour to reply my msg, i don't know! But it does makes me
feel so inferior. I don't feel i'm someone important to him anymore. I'm just like a nobody to him.
I'm like a dust, ash.. whatever but never some dearie gf to him~
Seriously, i don't know whether he really take me as his gf? Sometimes i have lots of doubts.
I feel like confronting him but i'm afriad if i learn the truth, i'd be more upset or depress.
So i've gotta make myself believe in some lies. THAT HE LOVES ME, HE TREATS ME like a little
PRINCESS and A DEVOTED bf of mine. But how true it can be, i'd seriously don't know about it.
Maybe, i'm STU (single but technically unavailable). Somehow, i believe he'd still call himself
single and available if being asked~
My convo is coming but i never thought of inviting him to come over to watch the ceremony,
although deep down my heart i do wish he'd come. So, i've asked other of my friends to attend instead.
Because he is such as busy guy, whenever we went out, he'd be busy for answering phone calls.
I feel bad if i were to ask him to wait for few hours during my convocation but surprisingly
i don't feel bad when i requested my friends to attend and fetch my mother along to Nilai.
Despite my friend is working half day but he said he'd take leave just to attend my convocation.
I don't know whether im weird or what but i felt my bf and i drifted apart, since he called and sms me lesser.
I don't mind to be the one to call him or sms him without him replying me but seriously,
although i'm the one who called him, we find it hard to chat or talk like we used to be.
I feel like he has nothing to talk to me except his 'game' stuffs, which at times bored me
till death. So usually our conversation last for few minutes and we terminate our conversation,
because we hardly have things to talk to. We sound like a spouse who married for ages
and hardly have any excitement or pleasure in talking anymore.
Somehow, i know im still young and plenty :) oppps, not plenty but quite some guys go after me
every now and then, I've always tell myself that i have another and lots of options,
why need to attach to someone who hardly have any interest on you anymore. My ex-bf for instance,
is a loaded and caring guy, but due to my stuborn-nature, i called off the relationship years ago,
Kevin on the other hand, is a smart and wealthy guy too, lanky and above them all, quite well-respected
among his friend, but i rejected him nicely because i find our personality is not compatible,
Mr M, is another nice friend of mine, although he isn't as rich as the others two but
i believe he's a smart guy who will take good care of his gf BUT too bad, i've developed
NO special feelings for him, otherwise he'd be my bf with all his good traits. Mr J, an ex-classmate of mine,
beeing calling me for past few semesters just to catch up with me, he told me that he loves me
so much that at times he wished he was my bf. Another player of the field will be MR R. okie,
he's a funny guy, but happened to be my bestmate's admirer. I didn't know he crushed into me
until he confessed, asking me to spare him a chance. With his tender age, he drives
PERDANA to college, i was told his family is rather well to do, but unfortunately, i've no special feelings for him. I just treat him
as a normal guy pal of mine. Another brunei and Canada guy of mine, been keeping in touch with me for few years,
despite i should know that if i were to accept them PRADA, GUCCI or LV comes very easily in my hand,
i see no reason to accept them as my bf because i know MY LOVE DONT COST a thing. I'm not here
to get MR RICH or hitch up but merely with someone i love and i care to rely for the rest of my life.
So i've chose my current bf despite he had lots of shortcomings compared to other potential
candidates. But i don't give a damn~ Just as long as i still very much in love with him,
i don't care what it offers or takes, I tried to give my best, till the day i'm exhausted
and freak out~ i'll give him a goodbye KISS. I didn't know how long my patience can last, but
definately i'm not gonna give up so easily, i promise UNLESS he really TURN OFF me.
Let hope that he'd change to be a better man, despite i've hinted to him and talked to him
i still he never really took my words into consideration, or he never give a damn on it either.
But somehow i'd be here waiting for him to change gradually, as i know people don't change in one
night, i guess i should give him sometime not PESTERING on him to be a perfectionist.
Just being my bf, does it sounds too much? i'm waiting.......Hope he would really appreciate
this.
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