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| final countdown!! |
| 04.05.04 (6:39 pm) [edit] |
good morning malaysia. i died last nite but im re-alive today. well, i didnt do well in my exam yesterday which totally drawn to my disappointment whereas my lin sisters somewhat score well for it. NOT that im one of the kiasu bitch but i hate it when they tried to ask me HOW well i did and did i managed to finish all those up? in other ways they are trying to compare their intellectual capacities and mine~ yeah COMPARING~ which i totally feel offended by that. Im not upset because i might lose but i definately upset and mad abt myself if im defeated by them both~ YES~ in a way, the are much better than i do, smart, and skinny~ me dumb and fat :arrow: which i guess they would rather detach my from the lin sister group. I dont know~ but the intense pressure really drive me crazy and i just cant manage with it~ Mike told me once i need to watch the movie anger management~ but well cant be bother of that show since im not into movies and etc .. Im really bored person by nature. No one knows that~
i swear that i tried to write it with my fastest capacities but well, i dont think i did well despite i finish my questions. One Qs mite maximum take up 45 minutes but well, time management~ i took more than 1hour for the 3rd questions and well i misinterpret the question wrongly and what's more? waiting to get D' for this subject. and another thing which upset me is......
I know my lecturer put a high hope on me in a way. BUT too bad, i just couldnt meet her expectation :( perhaps my lin sisters would~
I have numerous of offers right now. From those uncle uncle who successful in business and corporate world and even some of my friends who wanted to intro me jobs which promise a nice cars and salary few years down the road SO WHY SWEAT over the degree when they did not wanted to look or have a glance over my certificate.. WELL, i guess the only person i need to overcome is MYSELF...is my egoism that drive me to the blue. i hate myself damn much, not only i didnt excel but i might disappointed my late granny :( damn~ i feel so bad every now and then
But i make a vow this morning that, life still have to go on whether i like it or not~whether im passing or failing one but i still gotta MOVE on~~but sadly, i need to disappointed lots of people who put hopes in me. Im HOPELESS i guess...
They said exam is not everything and so to degree. it can prove whether you are smart or retarded because it's only tested on our memorizing skills. HOW much you can memorize will mean how much you could score?? too bad~ im not those memorizing type of person, UNDERSTANDING comes very first to me but too bad~ i regreted because i never intend to photocopy everything from the books... BUT still, in exam WHO DOESNT want to score well depsite of your current job never require any excellent qualification from u..STILL, i wish to do well as i've waited to these days after 3years.. So at the end of the day, people still think im a bimbo~ who laugh, hanging around with loads of friends, no worries for life, party animal but SUCKS in exam~ can i really change their perception? PERHAPS.. few years down the road, we should compare our paycheck and assests..it shall justify who is the successor and who's d failure??
but i never worry about that because im quite optimistic towards my future. Not because the fortune teller told me so~ but the faith i have in myself.
I told my friend once that i have one hidden power. THIS is what i possessed and something i could proud off and something i guess will outperform my lin sisters.. BUT im not gonna disclose here, otherwise it wouldnt be my weapon then. Dont worry, im not talking about mystical thingy but i guess everyone of us have this inner power. JUST the matter of more or lesser!! curious~ haha.. get to know me longer and i think you will be able to unleash my power and will~ My friend told me once that im someone with strong will power and... she said i could achieve all my dreams and goals with my will power.. In a way, i agreed but sometimes, too much of will power could lead to stubborness.. and dont get me wrong, this is not my so -called hidden power i mentioned earlier..it would never be one because im such a numb person. HOW on earth i still have that so called power.~ LoL
a good friend*of mine asked me whether did i really fall in love with someone so deeply and wish to express and let him know you really love him... and worry that if he knows that u cant live without him, he might dump you?.. well the answer is YES, i love some being before and still loving him still depsite he already found his new interest. GF i mean. at times, i wanted to tell him how much i've miss him and how much he mean to my life but then again~ he might take me for granted if he ever knows that~ so i'm always the passive side, who waited to being loved and cared and let him do all the courtship thingy. I appreciate all that, we played literati ( which used to be my fav game), talk over the irc, hse phone, hp, MCdonalds, and all his poems. EVERYTHING~ i could remember all the things he had done, there were times when he was in EMPO ; clubbing obviously and well, he spent his whole day SMSing me and his best buddy even called me up to ask me stop replying OR else he wont be dancing with those girls and guys.. that's so sweet right?In fact not much memories between us as everything were expressed over the phone and sms. i recalled how he used to report to me when he reached home EVERYDAY~ knowing i will be sleeping at the WEE hours, he just drop a line of sms..i never obliged him to do so but im happy cos he did so :)
I've promised him something indeed back then that i might officially accept him when his weight reach an ideal weight ( which determined by me) cos he is way too skinny.~ i dislike skinny guys because i, myself is chubby chick in nature, so i dont want to walk next to a bamboo stick. He did tried to pile up many kilos before i told him we are over~at the moment, he left a few more kg to reach his goal, but too bad, i called it off because i was told that he's doubling me~ so, i made my decision that we are OFF now and then. AND yet he never know the truth till someday ago~ but everything has become an ash.There will be no where back since both of us are ego by nature...
Surprisingly he smsed me the other day but i didnt intend to talk to him due to my anger towards him. but when i was upset yesterday, i isolated myself in my cave (room) i didnt intend to talk to my friends because i know they would just comforting me and ease my pain. Hardly anyone could cheer me up~ so i didnt know how on earth i could sms him and talk to him. YES, he replied and seemed concerning still.. He said that he might not be a good listener but he will be one of the clown beside me to cheer me up~ it did help abit , but i still reluctant to tell him abt my probs, just to mention abit about my granny's case ..
i never thought sms could be so hard that i took more than few mins to think what i suppose to write to him ( too much of coke spoilt the soup) and he replied me snaily too..( i wonder if he felt the same, WORDS are hard to utter out between us).. Out of sudden, he told me " hey, i reached 65kg already".. i didnt know what he is trying to imply in here. i didnt want to give myself any hope even, I know 65kg is the ideal weight which i mentioned 1years++ back.. Is he trying to drop me some hint that he could have become my steady with that weight. YES~ but that would be the past me.. not NOW.. so instead i tried to change his conversation..and talked abt something else. I will never allow him to have the second chance to hurt me or doubling me..
I told him that i have no intention to go between him and his gf, i just wanna release my tense and blurt things out~~and he asked me not to care abt her* cos he could have a girlfriend too.. to which i will strangled him till death if i'm his current gf. :) i told him i wont drag him into any troubles and i assured him im fine.. and somehow he mentioned something.. he said i'm ALWAYS like that. forever unchanged. Like to keep things myself. For the first time, this being understand abt me~ he knows i like to keep things myself and doesnt like to share my burdens.. and i purposely irritated him by saying " are you trying to imply im stubborn".. and i guess he has nothing to say even~ in a way, i could sense we still like each others cause he still remember all the things i mentioned to him : he asked me if i still like McDs ?? he mentioned abt his weight~ Okie. i guess that's sufficient enough. I didnt expect him to remember every single thing of mine but as long as those pertinent thingy, he could still recall~ it shows my importance in smaller portion of his heart. That's sufficient~ Nothing i could ask for because we know we are no longer meant for each other anymore. :)
I know he has done a lot for me to which he wouldnt have do for all his ex gf. writing love letters and poems.. one of his close buddy told me that he's a hot item in college back then,that many girls offered herself to him.. so his friend assured me im the lucky girl and i should grab my chance, to which i never did as what he told.. I couldnt be bothered if he was a superstar or what.. others girls might initiated their courtship but that wouldnt be me because if he really want me, he should take the initiative. AND he did.. a lot.. but.. fate never put us together because i tend to feel threatened by all of his girl pals. I never showed my jealousy but i feel insecured at times. arghhhhhhhh but what is over is over. Im glad that we remain as a friend still but...
there will be a boundaries somehow, to which is something good for us too... at least i will devote my time for my future bf and he will devote to his gf.. that's all i could say..
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