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| See Me fly.. |
| 05.08.04 (3:20 am) [edit] |
why shitz always happen to me? TELL ME~! i'm a farking bitch who wanna make a living out.. BUT how on earth things gone so badly for me. Everything just against the flow~! I'm in serious shitz, and i feel totally lost. Knowing that one of my close buddy do something behind me, i was so devastated and frustrated. Well , dont get me wrong here. It's not about lovely mushy stories NOR BGR (boy girl relationship), BUT im farking pissed off with my so called friend 'K' who do things without considering my feelings. I know he'll betray me ONE FINE DAY, because i know him too well. I just know his capabilities and percentage he stands of betraying me. I never underestimate his sense of curiosity. Because, he's damn fucking bastard who've the time, money and effort to dig the darkest secrets of mine, from past to present. BUT hey, wait a minute, for what he've done, i shouldn't FEAR or scared because no one know the darkest secrets of mine except a being called 'ying's best friend', BUT who's YING's best friend.. haha! well, i've a lot of best friends, DON't MISUN me for being bitchy but seriously, i've more than ONE best friend ! But the one which totally knows my secrets is 'P&C'... Im here to justify that not EVERY best friends of mine entitle with my darkest secrets cause i never trusted all of them INCLUDE my family members. The person i've trusted most is my late grandmother. :shock: You must be wondering why? Simply because she's kinda absent minded and she tend to forget things faster than anyone out there. Sometimes, when i thought of her, my tears will fall automatically as i miss her so BADLY.
Granny had taught me lots of stuffs and gave me load of advices from dating till MONEY matters. I'll seriously bear that in mind every now and then!
Good news again * for myself* , that i'm already over him after 1year++ struggle.. From day to day, i'm recovering and started to think i should have deserve a better guy. His words " Even you didnt want to talk to me, i dun mind wan" gave me a huge awakening SLAP!! Now, i'd still treat him like a close friend of mine but the 'feeling' i had towards him vanish from day to day! :o I was told by him that, infact i should have become his steady according to a Fortune teller. But, well, no! no! no!, as much as i love him, I LOVE myself even more. :D I can't SACRIFICE everything just because of a word : love~! I can sense that both of us were similar by nature that we've high egoism and bossy. We tend to dominate our partner ! AND being with him would mean that i have to give up all my unique characteristics , namely : temperamental, ego, rebellious, and stubborn. I'd have to start being the 'lady-like' kind of girl, innocent, decent, sof-spoken, low-egoism, less enthusiastic, less retaliation, and less dominant, WHICH i swear that i could'nt let go of these traits. I'll rather love someone who gives me the freedom, and sense of belonging. I don't wish to lose my own identity even when i'm commited~! I don't want to impress or please any guy but i'll hope the LOVE me for just who i' am now, NOT what they expect me to be! Yes, i'm temperamental at times, nosy, crazy, serious, childish, timid,irritating, annoying and fucking boring person! IF he really loves me, he gotta ACCEPT these traits of mine! Not asking me to change. Okie, minor changes still acceptable like LESS temperamental or less rebellious BUT the ORIGINALITY must be maintained still. I wont change myself for him and i guess i never expect anyone NOR him to change himself because of me. So, in conclusion, despite of the fate which indicated that we 'should had been a loving couple', i guess i shall hereby try all my best to change the 'destiny'.. I won't love such guys,man! No way!
Ok, i'd rephrase, Not that i won't love, BUT i wont attached myself to such guys or getting a hitched with him even. NO NO NO! never~ .. If you were to ask me, whether i'm regret for choosing this resolution. I would most probably saying YES, but if you'd ask me to surrender all my personality, characteristics, attitudes and traits, I'll be EVEN regretful. Come on, MEN are everywhere , after all, at tender age of 21, i believe my Mr Right will turn up soon or later. There is no rush to get myself a boyfriend because I'm so proud of being single.. At least my mum will be the happiest person to hear that because, she'll have me occupy her everyday and night. Yeah, one more thing : i'm MUMMY's daughter. If ever a guy wanted to pursue me, he'd really gotta court my mother first. :).. Of course the final decision still lies on my hand!
So, i'm relieved that i've already able to let go of him! I thought i need more time instead! I was wrong~ Being friend with 'him' now really allow me to see things clearer. Ha ha ha! He's a ROMEO with plenty of self-volunteered JULIETS.. but well, although i understand that he only loves me currently and 2 of his ex(s). I couldn't see any future being with him. Perhaps, i don't wish to jeopardize our friendship, so i made a vow that we could only be friend, nothing more than that. I believe he'd find someone better , who's willingly to forfeit anything for him. BUT, i could never do this because , perhaps, err.. im selfish. Yeah, i love myself even more. I couldn't being so unfair to myself, right? We only live once, so why treat ourself like second class citizen. So, in a nutshell, I'm free like a bird, already flown away! and i'm happy now.
Life has no regret for me!
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