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| happy BIRTHDAY my love one!! |
| 05.12.04 (5:01 am) [edit] |
well, tmr will be my late granny's birthday. May the 13th. Somehow it clashes with willie's 21st birthday.
i don't know whether i should feel happy or upset at it even. Well, although i guess i hardly
feel sad but every now and then, i still thought my of granny so badly, i cried everytime
when i entered her room. I could feel her presence there and her 'smell' reminds me of her even.
But what was gone is gone. I could'nt afford to tumble down now, because i've promised her
that i might live my life happily and meaningful. Rather than being a failure, who might
disappoint her when she looks down from heaven. But yes! i do love her, and thinking of her,
it even boost up my fighting spirit and enthusiasm. Perhaps, she'd sent her blessings to me.
Apart from granny, something else which bothers me is the return of an influential person
in my life. Well, none other than 'him'. He's back for good. I recalled i was the one
who initiated the conversation and simple sms. And he called me up and things went smoothly
like a long-lost friend. We talked for a while, giggled and laughed at each other silliness.
Finally, after a while, we began to blurt things out. I told him the reason i chose to reject
him initially, and he clarified the whole scene all over again. That, yes! he did concealed
something from me because he's afriad i might get mad or jealous. But hey!! i thought,'honesty'
and 'trust' are the essence for a lasting relationship. So, rightly or wrongly, he should
at least acknowledge me or tell me nothing but the truth. As ruthless as i might be,I won't
penalize on those who are being 'honest' and frank with me! I do agree that 'the truth can
be really upsetting and hurtful' but 'LIES' are definately severe than that.Why can't he
thought about my feeling for a second before he did this to me? I don't know BUT when i
was told by his pal, i felt so depressed and frustrated. I'm asking myself, did i trusted
a wrong guy? How could he did this to me? Did he knows that i love him so much that
his act might seriously refrained all my feelings? I was miserable and upset for a while
before i could think of some lame excuse to reject his 'offer'.I could sense that FATE put
us together to meet but never destined us to become a couple! I gotta cried alone throughout
the silent nights.
Well, not much of my friends knew this because they might say ' argh, comon, you've got
better choices' or ' you're so stupid, why cry over someone who never love you in the
first place' or 'This is life, men are always like that. MOVE ON'.. Thus, few of my really
close buddies know about my sorrows! Yet, the same thing they gonna tell me. Come on,
you're definately deserve a GOOD one, DON'T GIVE UP a forest just because of a TREE..
I appreciate their support, sympathy and advices too. But, i told myself, after my last tear,
I will move on! Thanks to all my friends and classmates who've been there to watch over me,
guide me and being there for me whenever i was down! They asked me out for a dinner,movie,
karaoke and CLUBING to fill all my lonely time with something hippy, fun, cool and interesting.
I thank GOD that despite of my broken family since i was young and failure in my lovelife,
i'd still have plenty of friends to count on when things really goes wrong! But, out of
many friends that i could rely on, i must come to know that, there are certain friends,
who treated me well because of their intention to get my affection. When out of sudden,
they said " infact, i really like you all these while, and i promise i could treat you
better than any of the GUYS who love you".. OMG, i couldnt believe in this! How on earth
someone confess when i'm seriously in a BLUE. Sigh! Why these things could happen to me?
How foolish it can be when the person you LOVE, you could never possess BUT the person
you never LOVE even, insist to possess you! With my courageous to put the FRIENDSHIP on a stake,
i'd declined every proposal and offer from every of my male friends. Yes, i might not
have as much GUY friend as i used to, BUT putting them off rather than giving fake hope
is the best remedy. Is up to them for not treating me as their friend anymore BUT, i'd still
treat them as my pal if they ever accept the 'fact' that i'm not into BOY GIRL RELATIONSHIP
at the moment.
As for the 'very' HIM.. i never thought of anything rather than seeing each other as a normal
friend basis. Afterall, he'll be away for a while and i'll be starting off with my job.
We need sometime and space to see whether if we are meant to be together! The biggest mistake
we'd encountered previously was WE JUMPED into the relationship too SOON and FAST. That
we hardly have faith on each other, we have'nt build our trust and confident on each other
YET we tend to item-up shortly after some courtship. That's is why, he hardly know me,
and i hardly learnt more about him. That explains why i trusted what his buddy had said about
him because i felt so insecure and unsure about him! As for him, i guess he didn't know
much about me. He'd thought that i'm one of those girl who fooling around and give false hope
to peoples. AND he kept saying ' i've plenty of lame excuses'.. Well, if he really understand
me well :), he would sniff something 'fishy' from the lame excuses and confronted me ONCE
and FOR ALL, rather than draw out a conclusion by himself. What ever it is, everything were
past and remain as HISTORY now ! The good news is we're still friend after the 'shit' happened.
Yea, he's still as sweet as he used to be, and so to me :P.. but , err.. now, he's a bit
like a little rascal who likes to scold vulgar words =). And i guess i can scold it pretty
well too because i've learnt it from my KL friends. But, i've made a vow not to scold those
foul languages UNLESS im pissed off. REASON? Pretty much of my friends (male) had been
complaining that i've became nasty and rude, i've the bloody guts to point a middle finger
to a friend's friend ( who irritated me so much) .. ohmmm, i guess i've gotta reduce my foul
words till the minimum level as THEY SAID, you're too innocent for that.. so, don't ruin
your own image and reputation as a MISS-GOOD-GIRL. Sometimes, i do hate it when people think
i'm just another typical innocent girl who should FOLLOW-BY the rules. That people like me
should be 'smart, innocent, and SUCCESSFUL.. NO VULGAR WORDS, NO STUPID JOKES and ANSWERS.
NO FAILURE. That's why, i guess how my 'kiasu'ness' developed ! The people surround me,
everyone expect me to being a smart a**, and successful in everything : whether academic
or relationship. BUT indeed, i'm a true 'failure'.. I'm not smart for goodness sake,
and i'm not as successful as what people expected me to be~! BUT i'm kiasu for sure~
I could remember, there was once when my weight issue has become the 'talk of the town'.
When i undegone a strict diet, i was 45kg with skinny and petite size. Peoples around me
started to question me, HOW ON EARTH i look like an aneroxic? HOW a DORAEMON size could
downsize to OLIVE (poppye's gf)? OMG~ over concerning sometimes cam be really irritating and annoying
..MY friends started to ask me GAIN weight for goodness sake, because i look so SICK
with my abnormal weight. So, when i have gained my weight .. ok, additional piles of kg,
it has became another issue : HOW ON EARTH, my figure blown up so fast? now i look like
a balloon! Argggggggh, again, some friend asked me to lose weight if i still thought
of getting a bf? haha.. I thanked them for being frank and honest with me~ but at times , i
just felt so funny and silly when out of sudden, i was like being controlled by people's
thought and impression. CANT i just being what i am? But i guess, in order to comfort myself
i shall take what they've said as a credit than an insult. At least, i was someone they look
up upon :) right?
HMMM. how on earth i started to run out of the topic? haha.. well nothing. perhaps..
nothing. As for HIM, well, i don't know what i could do or what we should have do to
save the relationship! I guess only TIME will tell and prove! I'm not going to do
anymore thing as i know, i've been doing alot of things since last time. I even initiated the
first hello and well, ended up being pranked by his ex-gf. I feel so ashamed!
So, i would just remain here, and 'wait and see'.. IF he really loves me or we are meant to be
EVERYTHING should be in the right pace and he'll find his way to patch things up
BUT not at the moment as i'm still recovering from my wound! We shall let God just decide.
Perhaps he could find a brand-new-charming gf tomorrow and i'm no longer 'someone' to him!
HaHa! Life is just like a box of chocolate, you'll never know what you'll get next! Perhaps
i might even ended up with Bill Gate's son.. lol.. okie, this is JOKE of the DAY! Take it easy!
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