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| no more losing!! |
| 05.31.04 (8:59 am) [edit] |
well, i didnt know how to put things in word. Well at least, all i can say is i'm happy now. Not with my job but with my love life who took a turning point after so many singlehood years. The fact is i'm in single but N/A mode because i still hoping one fine day, i could find my true 'love'. But, throughout my search, i've met countless of chap who are wonderful, nasty, wicked, cunning, good, bad or you name it. But, i see no commitment with them probably because the incompatibility. Not that they are less good, just that i could hardly have any feeling towards them. I tried to give out and pour out my feelings to those potential candidates but to no avail. I find myself deceiving them and most importantly, i'm deceiving myself too. WHICH i cant really forgive myself even if keep continue doing this. That's why i made a vow to tell and clarify everything to 'them' ; my potential future bf's . Although truth is always cruel and hurt, but i cant see myself to lie or keep empty promises to them. They never ill treated me nor cheated on me. So, i dont wish to hurt them any deeper, thus, i attempt to tell them nothing but the truth. I thank God that everyone seemed understanding, except for few which could hardly let go. But eventually, they let me off, just as long as they see me happy, they're more than happier - that was what i've been told.
Life is just like a box of chocolate, you never know what you'll get!! heheh.. i dont know but i love my caterpillar dearly but it's bit hard for me to attach myself though.
Perhaps, the feeling of insecure, hunger of freedom and distrust forbid me from commitment. Despite, i've always wanted to find a true love but i'm afriad when i really PUT in all my effort, love and feelings, AND if things screw up, i'll be really upset. So, i try not to put my love life in a stake by being extremely cautious..
That's my biggest problem i guess because.. i really lost my sense of direction. Wish my late grandmother give me a guidance and lead me to the right way. I'm tired and frustrated.. I can't bear to lose anything in my life again.... :shock:
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